So, yesterday I got to ditch my crutches!!!! I’m still in the boot to walk around, but it’s amazingly free to be able to go get my own water or food or whatever I might want.
And I was happy! I was chatty with my husband and mother in law. I stayed in the living room till it was time for bed. I enjoyed what I was doing all day long. I couldn’t move around as much as I liked, because my foot still hurts, but the fact that I could walk was making me just giddy.
But, two things happened.
One; some of my OCD reared it’s ugly head. While I was laid up, I was able to ignore a lot of my issues because I wasn’t going to the areas of the house that really trigger me. I have what I call “low grade” OCD. I do not have the severe feelings that many who suffer with this horrible condition do. My “version” is all about control and the loss of it. But, since I wasn’t visiting the kitchen, my main area of concern, I had been able to move my concerns to the back burner. (Pun not intended) But, almost as soon as I walked into the house yesterday, I went to the kitchen and started rearranged the things that were wrong. And the absolute fact of the matter is that these items were fine. But, I can’t leave it at that. The towels weren’t folded “my way”. The world wasn’t going to fall apart if the cups weren’t exactly the way I wanted them, but I fixed them anyway.
But, I digress.
The second thing that happened was the one I think we can all relate to, and one of my areas of great concern. What if what I was feeling was actually the start of another round of mania? Was I really feeling happy or was I starting the spiral up to the place I hate going?
This is the reason that I posted the song by Cheryl Wheeler. I have been sick for so long, that it is very hard for me to recognize the days that I feel normal (yes, I hate the word normal, but I can’t think of anything else right now). I pick apart these days, hour by hour, minute by minute, searching for the physical signs that I was heading up Mania Drive. But, I couldn’t find a single one. Which is awesome!
But, I still can’t totally relax into feeling good. I have to get it out, get it on paper or into the blog, so that I can remember how it felt. So when I feel down, I can read it and know that it’s possible to feel good. And when I feel good, I can read it and recognize, that yes, this is what it’s like to feel good. Just good. Not manic, not depressed, just wonderfully good.
Today seems like it will be another good day. I have a bit of a plan mapped out, but I’m going to try to keep it loose and just do what I can, and be happy with that.
Is it peace or is it prozac? I don’t care…I’m running with it.
Peace and love