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So sad today.

I went on Facebook to look around.  I’ve been going there less and less since I started this blog.  I’m able to be so much more honest here.  And really get the things I want to say out of my brain and onto the “paper”.

Anyway, a quick stroll down my newsfeed showed the level of hate that people are displaying towards one another.  It’s mostly conservative vs liberal and it’s mean! Then we, as a country, wonder why racism seems to be so pervasive still.

The anonymity that the computer gives us is a wonderful thing and a terrible thing.  I love that I can come here and say the things that I need to say; things that help me, things that may help you, yet I’m able to remain anonymous until my disability comes through.

But the flip side is that we are able to say horrible things about one another, often in a general way, that we would probably never say if we had to look one another in the eye.

And, now, I’m crying.

I lost a few friends over this same exact issue a few years ago.  I was told that I “couldn’t handle an honest discussion”.  Exactly how is disparaging my character based on a label you have given me an honest discussion?  It basically came down to being told that I was crazy and the end of the friendships.

I personally use the word crazy to describe myself on occasion.  It’s not a word I particularly mind.  But, when it is spat at me in an angry derisive way, well, that’s a different story.

And, really, isn’t that the problem with most “offensive” words?  Generally, words themselves aren’t angry.  It’s the tone with which we use them.  A few words have, over time, developed negative connotation, but it’s because that’s the way we have used them.  Used derisively for so long, words like nigger, faggot, psycho are extremely offensive (I hate even typing them).  In the US words like liberal and conservative are heading down the same path.

I’m often accused of being very naive.  “This is just the way the world works” people say.  “Get used to it” say others.  But, why should I?  Why should I be willing to become used to arrogance and cruelty?  Why should any of us?

Sadly, this whole mess has triggered my depression.  I just can’t seem to brush this off.  It seems so hopeless.  Those that are full of hate, or at least the absence of consideration for others’ feelings, are more powerful then I am.  Trying to be nice, trying to convince others that it’s ok to express their opinions, but doing it in a less hateful way, is hopeless.

All I want to do is crawl back into bed, pull the covers over my head and maybe try again later.  I hate feeling like this.  I feel like I’m disappointing my husband when I feel like this.  I’m over-reacting to something that I see daily.  Yes, it should bother me, it should bother everyone.  But, it shouldn’t make me feel like nothing is worth doing now.   And, on top of that, I can feel the anxiety building from the frustration of being here, low low low, yet again.

I know that I should be happy that I have noticed my trigger.  I have noticed that my reaction is too intense.  But I don’t know how to stop it yet.

I generally sign my blog entries, and sometimes my comments with ‘Peace & Love’ because it is truly what I wish for all of us.  It’s discouraging that it’s not what everyone wishes for everyone.

Peace & Love y’all

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