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I can’t wait until tomorrow.  Today is a loss.  It’s so far out of my reach I’ll never get it back and I’m ready to go to bed and start fresh tomorrow.

My husband (J) and my Mother-in-law (MIL) are going north tomorrow to visit friends and family.  J will only be gone for 3 days, MIL for about 2 weeks, but the time I will have alone is precious to me.

My desire to be alone has made me progressively more irritable as the week has gone by.  I have things I want to accomplish while the house is mine and mine alone.  I have trouble doing a lot of things while other people are around.  I don’t like to be watched.  I’m afraid that I’ll do something wrong and be embarrassed.  Or, conversely, have someone cheerlead for me.  I hate it.  I prefer to be left alone to do my thing and have it not be commented on, for good or for bad, by anyone other then J.  With the house empty, I will be free to do just that.

But, waiting for that time is excruciating.  I feel like a ticking time bomb.  And every time someone says something to me, I can feel the timer speeding up.

I’ve been reading up, and while it would seem that this irritability would be from anxiety, it is actually from the depression.  It would also appear that this is a symptom of “more complex, chronic and severe form” of major depressive disorder.

I’m not the type to throw things.  I don’t hit.  I rarely scream.  I tend to suffer in relative silence.  But that’s not because I’m not really angry, it’s because I’m afraid that someone will get mad at me.  I would much rather internalize my anger then offend someone.  That is not to say that anyone in the area is confused as to whether or not I’m angry.  They aren’t.  MIL hides in her room.  J hides outside.  Once J goes to work, I hide in the bedroom.  Someone is always hiding.

I know that my fear of making someone mad at me is a symptom of my co-dependency. But, in this instance, it’s a fear that I nurture.  I think it’s a lot better to worry about what people think of me, then to unleash my anger on them.  Maybe it’s not an all or nothing type of situation, but right now it feels like it is.  It’s definitely something that I need to talk about with my therapist and pdoc.

For now though, I’m counting the minutes until J goes to work and I can lock myself in the bedroom.

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