This sucks….this fucking sucks…
How is this even possible? How can one person’s brain make these kind of sudden volatile course corrections this many times a day?
I have been in tears 3 or 4 times.
I have been up and cleaning 3 or 4 times.
Currently, I am crying again.
I took my Restoril and 2 Ativan 3 hours ago, but I’m still awake. That is crazy
My fondest wish recently was to have the house to myself for just a couple days. Now I’m sorry I wished for it. I wish my husband was here.
At the same time I’m glad he’s not here, so he doesn’t have to see this mess. It will only hurt his heart even more.
I have no one left in my support system, except my husband and my doctors. I have isolated myself. I don’t want to burden anyone any more then I already have, so I have just stopped calling.
This was not the person that I envisioned when I was a girl and I thought about my future. This was not the person that I envisioned in my 30s when I bought my first house and then got married.
But, somehow along the way, this is the person I became. Some of this has always been there. But I held it behind a dam of sorts and never let it show.
But the dam is broken. I dropped my basket. My marbles are rolling all over the place.
I feel insane.
I know it will get better. Somehow, some way it will get better. I don’t see how right now, but it always has, so I’m hoping that it always will. But, right now, I’m just a mess.
Maybe I’ll pull it together enough to either sleep or clean. Either way I won’t be crying.