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This sucks….this fucking sucks…

How is this even possible?  How can one person’s brain make these kind of sudden volatile course corrections this many times a day?

I have been in tears 3 or 4 times.

I have been up and cleaning 3 or 4 times.

Currently, I am crying again.

I took my Restoril and 2 Ativan 3 hours ago, but I’m still awake.  That is crazy

My fondest wish recently was to have the house to myself for just a couple days.  Now I’m sorry I wished for it.  I wish my husband was here.

At the same time I’m glad he’s not here, so he doesn’t have to see this mess.  It will only hurt his heart even more.

I have no one left in my support system, except my husband and my doctors.  I have isolated myself.  I don’t want to burden anyone any more then I already have, so I have just stopped calling.

This was not the person that I envisioned when I was a girl and I thought about my future.  This was not the person that I envisioned in my 30s when I bought my first house and then got married.

But, somehow along the way, this is the person I became.  Some of this has always been there.  But I held it behind a dam of sorts and never let it show.

But the dam is broken.  I dropped my basket.  My marbles are rolling all over the place.

I feel insane.

I know it will get better.  Somehow, some way it will get better.  I don’t see how right now, but it always has, so I’m hoping that it always will.  But, right now, I’m just a mess.

Maybe I’ll pull it together enough to either sleep or clean.  Either way I won’t be crying.