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I feel crappy today.  Physically and mentally.  This mixed state is still holding firm which sucks.  However, the crying has finally taken it’s toll on my sinuses and now the headache has arrived.

I have managed to get a few things accomplished this morning, which, quite frankly, I am rather proud of.  It’s a bummer to be proud that I actually managed to empty the dishwasher, but I am.  I have to be.  ‘Cause right now that’s as good as I’m gonna get.

FOT740C

My appointment with the pdoc is in 2 weeks and we’re going to have to work on this handful of pills.  Something is seriously not right.  I would call to try to get an appointment sooner, but it probably won’t work.

I have to say that I feel very lucky with respect to my therapist and pdoc.  I have been reading a lot of other blogs and the problems people are having getting care is atrocious. My husband has a job that offers phenomenal insurance which is probably the reason I can get such good care.

I know that a lot of people are really interested in fighting the stigma of mental illness and I think that is very important work.  But I’m realizing that there is a much bigger problem, and it is the severe lack of care that the mentally ill are receiving.

We, the mentally ill, get attention one of two ways.  A celebrity, who has the disease, dies.  Or someone with the disease shoots up a movie theater.  That’s pretty much it. The thing is, none of this leads to reform of a badly broken system.  The poor and uninsured don’t get easier access to doctors and medications.  A ton of research doesn’t get funded because a beloved celebrity dies.  Everyone talks about “what a tragedy” and a week later everything goes back to normal.

Meanwhile, those of us who suffer day to day, out of the limelight of celebrity, fall further and further through the cracks.

I’m going to do the research when I start to feel better, whenever that will be.  But for now, strictly by anecdotal evidence, I feel confidant in saying that there are not nearly enough doctors.  There are not nearly enough therapists.  There is not nearly enough access to medication.  There are not enough hospitals.  There is not enough caring.

We need doctors who give a shit.  It is so hard for us to gather the strength and the courage to try to find the doctors who will be willing to see us.  Then we must wait weeks and sometimes months (MONTHS?!?!?!?!) to see the doctor. And, if we are not compatible with the doctor then we have to start over.

How is this useful??????

How is this acceptable?

And does reducing stigma fix this system?

All very interesting questions and definitely something I want to look into.

But first I gotta get through this mixed state.

Fuck

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