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So, I’m finally feeling a little bit better.

I’m chewing ativan like they’re candy (hyperbole…don’t get freaked) and I’ve been coloring pretty much all day.  Every time I stop coloring, I start feeling like I’m riding back up the mania wave so I start again.

I finally had my therapist appointment this morning.  I see her twice a week (I see it going back up to 3 times a week in the not to distant future) so it’s not like it’s been forever since I’ve seen her, it’s just felt like it.

This past weekend blew.  It’s probably been one of the roughest times I’ve had in the last year or so. (and I am counting my grandfather dying as part of that year) Partly the problem was that no one was here with me.  Although that was actually supposed to be in the plus column.  But the main problem is that this is the first mixed state that I am aware of ever having.  I’ve been switching from hysterical crying to completely dry eyed hypomania hourly.  By the time I got to therapy this morning, I was positive she was going to send me to the hospital.   I had actually done a mental inventory of my wardrobe and managed to get myself worked up again, because everything I own has drawstrings.  Which means that if I get hospitalized…I have nothing to wear!  It would be funny if it didn’t make me cry.  *sigh*

Karen’s thoughts on this mixed state is that I have been through a decent amount of physical and mental drama over the last 2 months and my brain is just done with it all for the moment.  I’ve had the psychological testing for disability which was draining.  I had the actual filing the 2nd appeal for the disability which was draining and discouraging.  I got the results of my psychological testing, which were devastating.  And then I had surgery on my foot and have been in a boot for a month.

She did agree with me, though, that for the moment, why it’s happening isn’t so much the issue.  It needs to be stopped.  And it needs to be stopped now.

So, today I am coloring.  A lot.

I check in with her tomorrow to update her on how I’m feeling.  If it’s not better she’s going to call my pdoc and get me seen as an emergency.   Which. Is. Awesome.  I love that I have a great therapist.  I wish that everyone could be this lucky.

I explained what has been happening to my husband.  He supports me so well.  But when things go bad and ugly in my brain, I wonder why he stays.  I sat with Karen this morning absolutely convinced that J should ask me for a divorce.  Why in the world would he want to stay with such a complete wreck.  What good could possibly come from staying with me?

But, he listened to me tell him what has been going on.  He didn’t ask questions, he just took it in.  I told him the follow-up plan with Karen.  And that’s what he needed to know.  What’s happening, how is it being handled and am I ok?  He wanted to take a nap because he was tired from traveling.  So I laid down with him and got a couple hours myself which was probably a good thing.   My husband is an amazing man and I don’t know what I would do without him.  He’s not a talker and he’s never going to be my therapist, but that’s ok.  That’s what I have Karen for.  He keeps me safe and, when possible, happy.

It’s time to feed the cats, and they are being quite vocal about it.  So I’ll do that and then go lay down and watch episodes of Bob’s Burgers on Netflix.  It is literally the only thing I have been able to watch over the last couple days that hasn’t pissed me off.  I’ve even caught myself smiling once or twice.

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