Sunday and I’m feeling…not bad, actually. It’s refreshing.
I fight myself daily.
If I’m depressed, well, then I’m kicking myself for not getting it together.
If I’m anxious, well, then I’m kicking myself for getting stressed out over nothing. I don’t work, what could possibly be so damn difficult?
If I’m hypomanic, well, then I’m kicking myself for not being able to use that energy more effectively. Others can, what the hell is my problem? It’s not like it’s full on mania, it’s just HYPOmania.
So, today I had one of those days of clarity.
I got up around 5:30. I’ve been trying to get up earlier recently. I really am at my best early and it’s always nice to have time to get myself together while everyone else is asleep. I feel so much pressure to be “on” once hubby and MIL are up. Getting up early gives me a chance to work up to being “on”. I read some blogs, checked some comments, drank some coffee and took care of the animals.
My husband works 2nd shift, so I have to cook his dinner in the morning to pack to take with him. This weekend he’s working overtime. And he decided he wanted Sunday breakfast. I had to go to the grocery store to get a few things, so I did that. I came home, cooked his dinner, then cooked breakfast. And I got a load of laundry done and some cleaning. It was a very good start.
But, after he left for work, I lost my focus. The sky opened up and a thunderstorm started, forcing me to the couch with the dog. Poor thing is terrified of thunderstorms. If I don’t stop and sit with him, he will trip me up.
But, now I couldn’t make myself get up. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I keep going, keep cleaning, get more laundry done, cut the dog’s hair, give him a bath? But, what I failed to realize is how much I had already gotten accomplished, especially when I consider what a typical day has been looking like recently.
We are all so very hard on ourselves.
Why is it such a bad thing that I use part of a day I am feeling well, to actually relax? Sure, I’m on the couch or in bed way more than I want to be. But I’m not there because I WANT to be. I’m not there to relax, I’m there because I can’t move from depression, or I’m anxious so I’m coloring, or I’m exhausted from trying all the time. What’s wrong with just sitting here to watch a little TV and surf the web for the sheer joy of it?
My therapist is always telling me that I am my own worst enemy. And she’s right. I don’t celebrate the little victories. I want to know why that victory wasn’t bigger, faster or better. Actually, I don’t usually see these things as victories. Doing the laundry isn’t something I would normally see as a victory. It’s my responsibility and if I don’t do it I beat myself up to hell and back. But, considering how hard things have been recently, I should see that laundry as a victory. (oh goodness, I’m in danger of should-ing myself to death)
Today, I do.
Tomorrow, you may need to remind me.