yeah that about sums it up…big fat pile of ergh

Today was therapy day.  I feel like I have this thin layer of hypomania floating on top of a big fat pile of really bad depression.  Neither is really winning at the moment, but I fear a crack in the hypomania is imminent.  I’m getting really pissy.

I have realized that I am living my life in an almost constant state of fear.  I’m afraid I’ll get depressed and not want to leave my bed.  I’m afraid of my hypomania and where it could lead.  I’m afraid that I will never recognize a good/normal/fine sort of day when I see it.  I’m afraid of needing to go back to the hospital.  I’m afraid of having my meds changed.

I see, looking back, that I’ve had bipolar for at least 10 years, although it was only last fall that I was diagnosed.  I clearly see those times of hypomania when I worked in an office and I was unstoppable.  I was a sight to see, zipping around the office in 4 inch heels, taking breaks to smoke cigarettes to chill out for a minute, and then racing back into the office to process more and more and more work.  Go home, barely eat, barely sleep, back to the office and do it all again.

I knew then that I had an anxiety disorder but…pish…whatever.  What’s a little stress between friends.

But, now that I know that I have bipolar I’m terrified.  I feel an attack of hypomania coming on and I have to try to stop it.  Because now I have all the energy, but I feel unfocused and confused and like a little tornado of destruction.

I just destroyed someone on Facebook for daring to suggest that mental health care in this country is at acceptable standards.  I blew him up.  I torched the bridge of whatever relationship we had left (not much really) and warmed my hands on the flames.  And in this mood, I would do that to any who dared contradict me.

And that’s why I am afraid.

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