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I feel crappy.

I felt good…earlier.  Not now.

I actually was (why do we always do this) trying to decide where on the spectrum I was earlier and I was thinking I might have actually been somewhere near baseline.

Since I don’t work, and my disability won’t be coming in for the next year or three, my financial contribution to the house is couponing.  I’m pretty good at it.  I’m not like those chicks on TV who buy 3 buggies full of stuff for $1.97 but I saved about 40% today.  That always makes me feel good.  But it is a bit of a project.  It took me about 2 hours at the store because I wanted to go slow and not stress and I was feeling pretty good when I was shopping and when I got home.

Now, I canceled therapy so I could go do this.  I didn’t really want to, but I REALLY wanted to go to the store RIGHT THEN and I never could have finished and gone to therapy.  So I told her I was still feeling crappy from bronchitis and went to the store.

And now I feel like an asshole for lying.  And I feel like crap, because I’m crashing baby, I’m crashing.  I’m exhausted and I’m cranky and all I did was go to the grocery store and cook some crappy excuse for food to pack for my husband’s dinner.  And I’m pissed because I used to be able to do this shit in my sleep.  Now it takes me out.  I was trying to read some blogs earlier and I can’t focus enough to read.

My MIL ordered new plastic containers today.  She did not consult me.  She did not say anything to me.  She picked colors and sizes and types and then just told me that she thinks we need new ones so she ordered them.  Now, I get that in the grand scheme of things this is not a big deal.  I do get it.  It’s plastic containers.  But she does this shit and it makes me crazy.  The last time it was bedding.  She bought us sheets and a comforter.  Didn’t tell me, didn’t even ask if I wanted new, and if I did, what did I want. We just got what we got.  Now it’s rubbermaid/tupperware shit.  I don’t want new stuff.  I like what I have.  Actually, if she had said something to me, I probably would have joined in the search for new stuff happily.  But she didn’t.  She never does.

I hate this bullshit kind of stuff, because I feel like such a child.  Oh someone bought something nice for me and now I’m all bent out of shape.  But, we modified our home to make room for her and our private space in this home is now very very small.  Because of how sick I have been, we haven’t been able to work on the one room addition we want to do (that she is paying for).  I’m suffering from severe lack of privacy, and it’s making me really pissy.

All I want to do right now is cry and I’m so not in the mood.  I’m tired of being up and being down and being up and being down and …oh wait!  is that baseline?  Doesn’t matter cause it’s already gone.

Psychiatrist upped my prozac the other day and added zyprexa into the chemical pile I take every day.  We shall see what happens.  Two days in is just not enough time to say what way things are going to go.

I’m not even going to re-read this for typos.  I trust you will forgive if it makes no sense.

Maybe more later

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