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I’m annoyed.

I could go through all the little petty things that have landed me at annoyed.  But, the fact is, that it doesn’t matter, cause in the end, I’m still annoyed.  Although stupid questions aren’t helping.

yoga meme

It seems to be going around, too.  Almost all the bloggers I follow are feeling crappy.

I seem to be in this weird routine.  In the morning I’m good.  I have energy, I get a few things done, I’m moderately pleasant to be around.

The afternoons are becoming a problem for me and all who live with me.  I’m being triggered in the afternoons and I just am at the end of my teeny weeny little rope.  I’m tired of feeling shitty.

I’m really tired of never feeling happy.

I realized it this morning.  I have periods when I’m good.  But I’m not happy.  I can’t remember when the last time was that I could say that I was well and truly happy.   There are things about my life that I enjoy.  But I can’t really say that I’m happy when I’m doing those things.  I don’t feel delight or joy.  I’m good.  Or I’m really not good.

And I think it’s the fucking meds.  In fact I’d bet almost anything that it is.

I remember back to a time when I was manic, but I didn’t know what it was.  I just thought I was really energetic.  But, I also remember periods of time during all that when I did feel joy, happy, content.  And I wasn’t on the cocktail of doom like I am now.

I’m trying to think of every psych med that I’ve been on, starting back during the antidepressant only days when I thought I was just kinda depressed all the way through two inpatient hospitalizations, one outpatient hospitalization and therapy sessions too numerous to count.  And the only ones that I’m positive I haven’t taken are depakote and lithium. There may be a couple others, but I think that a lot of us can say that we’ve been through most of them.

Now, I’m a compliant kind of gal.  I take what I’m given, I go to my appointments, I try my hardest to do what I’m told.  But, I’m about done with the meds.  Not for forever.  I want a clean slate.  I want to start from scratch.  Because I’m pretty fucking sure that we’ve missed the mark somewhere along the lines.

Before I went to my pdoc appt earlier this week my psych meds were: Ativan 1mg 4x/day, prozac 20mg at bed, lamictal 200mg at bed, neurontin 300mg 4x/day, plus restoril for sleep.  At my appointment I told pdoc how I’d been doing, which was shitty with a side of what I thought was mixed episode (but now am thinking may be ultradian cycling).  To cap it I wasn’t sleeping through the night even though I was taking 2 of the ativan and the restoril at bedtime (her orders) (see?  super-compliant)

The fix was to increase the prozac to 60mg and add in zyprexa.  Plus, I was to continue the restoril, but space the ativan out through the day??????????????????????????????

Seriously, what the fuck.  At the time, I just said ok, walked off with my scripts and went about my day.  But, did we seriously just add meds into the mix and not take anything away?  I don’t think on my feet nearly as well as I used to (and even then it wasn’t that fast) so I didn’t question this until today which is, like 4 days later.

But, this is why I want the clean slate.  I want to start from scratch.  Take it all away and see where I wind up and then build it all back in.

Of course, that’s completely impossible, because I’d probably have some kind of psychotic break going off all the meds and even if I didn’t, I know there would be hospitalization involved.

And this pisses me off to absolutely no end.

I get tired of just ranting and raving in therapy and getting no better.  Well, incrementally better, but you know what I mean.  I get tired of throwing a fistful of pills down my gullet every night and not feeling better.  Of course, I’ve gained 50 pounds, found the acne that I lost as a teenager, remember nothing, trip over my words, trip over my feet (I fall so often…it’s just ridiculous), am perpetually pissed off, and a host of other shit that I can’t think of right now ‘CAUSE MY MEMORY IS FOR SHIT.

When I filled out the paperwork for disability I got to the part about my medications, and I cried.  And I tried again and I cried again.  Because they wanted to know all the medications I was taking (no problem but I need another sheet of paper please) and what medications caused which side effects.  Seriously?  Have they never done this before?  All these medications cause most of these side effects.  Recently I filled out the paperwork for the lawyer to file for an appeals hearing.  SSI wanted the same information about the medications and side effects again (3rd time, I shit you not).  This time, I just wrote all the meds in a list, then all the side effects in another list just to the right of the first list and put a bracket between the two lists.  What the fuck ever. Let the lawyer figure it out.

I just wish it was easier for all of us.  But like the saying goes, if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

Right now I’m just waiting for Cartoon Network to flip over to Adult Swim at 8:00 so I can watch my cartoons.  Spending bits of time with the hubby and Bob’s Burgers are pretty much the only things I look forward to these days.

And in the spirit of the meme that I posted above here’s something else for ya