I actually had a pretty good day yesterday.  Gave the dog and shave and a bath.  He was way overdue for it, but I hadn’t been able to face the task.  He doesn’t like it.  In fact, we aren’t really done, but after 2 hours yesterday we both needed the break.  Now he looks like a patchwork dog, but hopefully I can get him finished today and post before and after pics.  BIG difference.

Hubby has had to work all weekend.  I stayed up with him when he came home last night for a little bit.  We don’t get a lot of time together, just him and me.  But his mom had gone off to bed.

Of course, I had taken all my meds at 8, including the sleeping pill, and when he came home at 9:30 I was still wide awake.  I went in to bed around 11 and took an ativan and that did the trick.  So I didn’t get a lot of hours of sleep, but I did sleep straight through, which is new (and very welcome).

Yesterday I was actually successful at using some of that excess energy.  I was gearing up to hypomanic, but I was able to channel it into the bathing and shaving of the dog.

I live in terror of my emotions.  Afraid of the hypomania, afraid of the depression.  I have such a fear that the mania will run out of my control that I usually end up taking something to stop it in it’s tracks.  Or at least slow it down some.  The harder one is depression though.  There is no “rescue” pill for depression.  It is what it is.  And being afraid of it, makes it worse.

I need to find a way to stop being so afraid and accept what is.  And I am very very lucky because my support here at home is very willing to allow me not to work.  My husband has said that he would rather me be at home then at a job which will just put me back in the hospital.  I think I’ll keep him.  So, I have the acceptance that this exists, now I just have to have to find a way to stop the fear.

Today I’m going to try to look up all my meds and see if I can figure out an alternative for this mess that I’m currently taking.  My dad’s is a retired pharmacist, but my parents prefer to not admit that I have a mental issue, so no help there.

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