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I swore I would never call my father with a mental health medication question.  I swore I wouldn’t.  My father is 71 and a retired pharmacist.

But I did.

He’s someone I’ve vowed not to discuss my mental health issues with.  Ever.  Along with my mother

I tried once.  A therapist convinced me.  I knew it was a doomed decision but I wanted to be trying.  I didn’t want the therapist to think I wasn’t going to try to get well.

So fucking eager to please all the time.  Gets me into more fucking shit.

Couldn’t have gone worse.  I can’t think of a way that it could have gone worse.

They don’t want to know.  They don’t want to have to consider the mental illness of their daughter.  They don’t want to know that there were triggers.  They don’t want to consider the emotional abuse that existed in our family.  They don’t want to admit that my brother is completely fucked, too.  It helps that my brother won’t admit it.  That’s an easy one to slide by.

I don’t do this.  I don’t look back anymore if I can help it.  I don’t remember much.  It is what it is.  I can’t change what happened, I can’t change who they were, I can’t change who they are.  If I want a relationship, and I do, then I accept what is and what was and what can never be. And move the fuck on.

Until today.  Until Fucking Zyprexa.

I wrote a post about Zyprexa and it’s side effects a week or two ago.  It’s here.  And I listed a bunch of the side effects and made snarky comments because it pisses me off that we have to deal with the shit.  Well, I wasn’t really paying close enough attention. One of the side effects that I didn’t list, is one of the ones I got.

WebMD lists it as fluid retention but doesn’t say why or what to do.

But MayoClinic lists it as bloating and says to discontinue taking it and call the doctor if it happens but doesn’t say why.

Same with drugs.com

Rxlist.com calls it swelling and still advises discontinuing and calling the doctor.  They don’t say why either.

I mention it to hubby and what the various sites say.  Of course, he’s gotta leave for work about 20 minutes later and now he’s scared and pissed because I have another potentially horrifying fucking side effect and I’m still not better.  And he has to go to work.  And he feels helpless.  He says call the dr. and storms off.  Scared.

So I call the pdoc’s office.  I know she’s off on Friday, but I’m sure they could tell me something.  Except that this week the whole office is closed.  All of the fuckers are gone for the weekend and they don’t have an answering service, just a machine.   Lucky fucking them.

So I call the primary doc.  Guess what?  No, really, guess what?

Gone for the weekend.  They however, do have an answering service.  The answering service tells me that if it’s an emergency call 911.  I don’t know if it’s a fucking emergency or not, that why I’m trying to call a fucking doctor.  ANY doctor will do!!!!

I can’t bring myself to go to the urgent care center or the ER because my ankles are swollen, so I cave.

I call my father.  And I ask him.  And he looks on all his professional websites and reads all the medical words that I had to keep looking up and were bringing me to tears and he says he doesn’t know what the reason for the water retention is and he doesn’t know what could happen, but I should stop taking it.

And, now, he’s worried.  I’ll bet anything he’s at home still trying to figure it out.

And my mother says…”Well why don’t they just wean you off the medications you are on so they can see what’s going on”.  (Don’t I wish I had thought of that)  I tell her that it’s not that simple and would probably end up with me in the hospital.  And she says “I SAID have them WEAN you off, not just stop taking them”.  And I say “yeah Mom, sure Mom” cause what the fuck else am I gonna say?  I’m already on the verge of tears.  I’m a second away from tear spillage and she’s gonna argue this shit with me.

And all of this is happening?  Because of Zyprexa.

Fuck

I truly can’t stand this.  I’m scared because no one seems to know why this is happening or what will happen if it gets worse.  Is it my kidneys?  Don’t know.  Maybe it’s the bladder problem I already have that is really the issue.  Don’t know.  Will I die? Probably not, but Don’t know for sure.

Of course now that I’m paying super close attention, I realize that I’m also getting a little lightheaded when I stand up and that’s on the scary list, too.  But I also only slept five hours last night and broken crazy sleep for the last week so I had chalked it up to being tired but what if it’s not?  What if it’s Zyprexa?

I can feel the swelling in my hands now, too.  I can’t see it, but I have that feeling of my skin being stretched too tight.  And that has been happening for a few days but I thought maybe my skin was just a little dry.  Because they don’t look swollen, but now that I have my feet involved, I know that’s what it is.  It feels the same, just not as bad.

It all just feels so fucking stupid and horrible and useless right now.  I couldn’t say if any of the meds are working or not.  One fixes a problem and causes another.  So I take a pill for the side effect and get another side effect.  Except that a lot of the side effects are just another kind of crazy.

And I just can’t stand it.  I’m so down right now.  I have to stop taking the zyprexa. That was the medication that stopped the mixed episodes.  It will be out of my system before I can get to one of my doctors on Monday.

The anxiety over a possible mixed episode relapse is starting to crash over me now.  Time for another ativan.

I’m safe and MIL is here with me, but I feel like such a useless piece of shit right now. Everyone in my little bubble is scared and worried and all because of me and fucking zyprexa.

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