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I’m afraid of my moods.  And something weird is going on with me.

I had therapy this morning and I was talking to her and I suddenly started to feel like it wasn’t me talking.  I heard the voice, and it sounded like me, but it was as if I was separated from myself.

Therapist made a lot of notes today.  She scribbled hardest when I was silent.  When I mentioned that, she said that a lot can be told in silence.

So, there was a little bit of talk of maybe I’m experiencing depersonalization, cause I need another diagnosis like I need a hole in my head.

Which brings me to the fear of my moods.

I slept most of yesterday and all of last night.  My initial feeling is that the Seroquel is working and I did some catching up. But…what if it’s the downswing of depression?

Crap.

I just had a lovely phone conversation with an old friend and I laughed and just generally enjoyed the time spent talking with her on the phone.  Sounds great….unless I’m heading to mania.

Crap

I am having a lot of trouble just being in the moment.  I want to be able to just enjoy a good mood if one happens to stop by.  I want to catch up on my sleep without fearing what it could mean.

I’m feeling slightly petulant today.  I want this and I want that and I’m feeling kind of pissy that I can’t have this or that.  But, at the same time, I feel that the things I want are reasonable.  I want to not be afraid of myself and my moods.  I want to not watch myself, from outside of myself, have conversations.  It is so weird to laugh and not feel like it’s you laughing.

What if this depersonalization is really happening to me?  Am I going downhill even further?

I live on the verge of terrified.

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