I scare the crap out of my loved ones.  Most of them don’t even know the extent of what is really going on with me.  Even the people I live with, I keep in the dark about some of my symptoms.  Because, how much worry and stress can I realistically keep dumping on the people who are trying to take care of me.  How much can my husband realistically take before he just can’t take anymore.

Sure, if I get disability that will help.  It will take the massive financial stress off of our budget and I won’t feel like such a drain bringing nothing in money-wise.  But that’s probably a year away (fucking SSA)

This is why I feel this blog is so important for me.  And, why it is important for others to write theirs.  We need to say all the things that are going on.  We have to get it out.  I haven’t told my husband or MIL about my incident of depersonalization the other day and I don’t plan to.  I don’t tell them that I feel anxious nearly constantly. They have no idea that the possibility of my mood swings terrifies me.

I can’t tell them those things.

My husband works his ass off.  He works a ton of overtime every week to try to bring in enough money to actually pay the bills.  Night, weekends…all to make our situation possible.  He can’t find a new job that pays more, because the insurance is so good at this job.  And, let’s face it.  I’m at the doctor constantly.  But, watching him work an 80 hour week makes me want to protect him from worrying about me.

So, I tell all of you.  And you all tell me.  And it seems to work.

I don’t know…my nerves are shot….I’m not sure any of this even makes any sense.

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