Psychiatrist and therapist this morning. A whole bowl of head shrinking for breakfast. Some interesting things came of it though.
Pdoc finally got the genetic testing package, so she did the cheek swabs and she’ll send that off this afternoon. Hopefully hopefully hopefully it’ll give us some useful information about what meds will work better and what side effects I’m more likely to experience.
I told her about this emotionless void I’ve been experiencing and about not sleeping. Weirdly the fact that I’m not sleeping really isn’t bothering me, except that the Seroquel makes me binge. If that weren’t the case, I’m really not sure I would give even the littlest shits that I’m not sleeping. I told her that I want to come back in three weeks. That way, I’ll definitely be off crutches and possibly have my emotions back. Or maybe not. But, either way, we’ll know.
Then therapy. That was actually pretty illuminating. It turns out that even though my emotional parts aren’t really working very well right now, my analytical self is doing pretty well. Apparently it works better when it’s not hampered by all those pesky emotions and stress and depression and empathy. I’m finding that when I’m reading blogs, I know I should be sad or angry or whatever on behalf of the author, but I just can’t do it. Apparently though, the fact that I’m aware of how I should be feeling is important. Even if I can’t feel it.
But, and here’s the really important part, the logical part of my brain is functioning better than it has in awhile. I feel like I could organize things and get the house together and DO stuff that takes brain energy. Of course, I can’t walk without crutches, so most of those things can’t happen anyway. But the ability seems to be awake inside my mind. Which is new.
So, now my concern is what is going to happen when I get done with the crutches. I’m wondering if the Great Wall of Non-Emotion will come down slowly or in an avalanche of craziness.
But, for now…I don’t really care.