Psychiatrist and therapist this morning. A whole bowl of head shrinking for breakfast. Some interesting things came of it though.
Pdoc finally got the genetic testing package, so she did the cheek swabs and she’ll send that off this afternoon. Hopefully hopefully hopefully it’ll give us some useful information about what meds will work better and what side effects I’m more likely to experience.
I told her about this emotionless void I’ve been experiencing and about not sleeping. Weirdly the fact that I’m not sleeping really isn’t bothering me, except that the Seroquel makes me binge. If that weren’t the case, I’m really not sure I would give even the littlest shits that I’m not sleeping. I told her that I want to come back in three weeks. That way, I’ll definitely be off crutches and possibly have my emotions back. Or maybe not. But, either way, we’ll know.
Then therapy. That was actually pretty illuminating. It turns out that even though my emotional parts aren’t really working very well right now, my analytical self is doing pretty well. Apparently it works better when it’s not hampered by all those pesky emotions and stress and depression and empathy. I’m finding that when I’m reading blogs, I know I should be sad or angry or whatever on behalf of the author, but I just can’t do it. Apparently though, the fact that I’m aware of how I should be feeling is important. Even if I can’t feel it.
But, and here’s the really important part, the logical part of my brain is functioning better than it has in awhile. I feel like I could organize things and get the house together and DO stuff that takes brain energy. Of course, I can’t walk without crutches, so most of those things can’t happen anyway. But the ability seems to be awake inside my mind. Which is new.
So, now my concern is what is going to happen when I get done with the crutches. I’m wondering if the Great Wall of Non-Emotion will come down slowly or in an avalanche of craziness.
But, for now…I don’t really care.
Zoe said:
Being aware of how we should feel etc is important. I’m in that state too. I can’t feel much for anyone, or myself, but I’m aware I should and that makes me feel a tad more human than this robotic clusterfuck of “meh.”
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Leslie said:
I feel right now like I could do anything. But the really disappointing fact is that those emotions are coming back. And they’re probably going to be a mess. I’m going to try and enjoy this momentary peace.
My therapist said that as long as I’m aware of how I should feel, then it’s all right.
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blahpolar said:
I’ll be really interested to hear how the genes test works out. And I really hope anhedonia doesn’t get its rotten little teeth into you again mate.
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AndrewS said:
Ditto on the genetic testing. Skeptical but super interested. Didn’t even know it existed. Must have missed the Blah linkdump. Good, can look forward to a mellow benzo hour of archival trawling.
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Leslie said:
I don’t think that it was Blah who brought it out. I don’t know who it was. I’ll have to go back through my comments on blogs back near the beginning of when I started to try to find the person who gave me the idea. One of the companies that does it is called Genomind. It’s and interesting concept. We’ll just have to wait and see. 🙂
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Leslie said:
Thanks I hope so, too. I can’t wait for the genetic testing to come back, too. I hope it tells me something useful.
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