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So, Lunesta can kiss my big fat white ass.  I’m breaking up with it.  Last night it took my Seroquel XR, two doses of Lunesta (which I spread out over two hours) 3 Klonopin (over 2 hours) and I still didn’t sleep.  I laid there for 3 hours waiting for something to happen.  Woke about an hour later when hubby arrived home.  Went back to bed and I’ve now been up since 3:30 EST.  I’ve had about 4 hours of broken sleep.

Last night I did some serious thinking about the period of time I felt nothing, and now, because I can feel the emotions breaking through that wall.  I took 3 klonopin last night and my teeth remained clenched together, probably until I fell asleep.  I look back, and I think “how nice that must have been, to just not feel anything”.  But, I know, that when I was in it, it drove me nuts.  I hated it.

But now I have to play the medication game again.  Before, I didn’t have to worry about whether the klonopin was working or not, because I wasn’t using it, because when you feel nothing, you don’t need to medicate for anxiety.

Today is going to be very weird.  I finally have full access to my kitchen again since I’m rid of the crutches.  I can’t do a lot, but I can do some.  And this kitchen is all types of out of order.  Cups are stored right side up, instead of upside down.  Sponges are in the wrong places.  Towells are hanging from drawer knobs instead of being folded over the oven handle.  There is food…everywhere.  And not good food.  Junk.  Piles and piles and piles of junk food.  No less then 5 bags of different kinds of chips are open and shoved onto the cabinet.  Plus crackers and candies, and the fridge is full of lunchmeat.  I don’t know when the last time my husband had vegetables.  Or fruit.

Don’t get me wrong.  I appreciate the help while I’ve been laid up, but MIL thinks this shit is funny.  I have to go reorganize the cups and the plastic containers and the way the food is stored and the towels and the refrigerator.  It would just be nice if she tried to keep it the way I like it, instead of changing the whole thing around.

It would be nicer if she didn’t think it was funny.

I need, desperately, to get some laundry done.  Let’s hope that by the time I’m done re-organizing the kitchen I still have a little juice left to deal with laundry.

The good part is that I’m working my way back to my normal schedule.  I love being awake before the rest of the house.  It gives me time to get myself together, maybe do a couple of things when no one is around to judge me (or laugh at me).  It does help if I’m up early because I slept and now I’m done sleeping so time to get up.  I wish it wasn’t more of a “fuck it, I’m awake again, I may as well get up”

I’m going to go work on the kitchen for a few minutes (I just realized that the diswasher is loaded wrong)