So, yesterday’s post was a little weird. I was feeling very confused and irritated.
I think that it was the first time that I’ve actually felt myself looking at myself and wondering what the fuck I was doing. Here I was, at home, with hubby, watching NASCAR race (btw thanks for fucking up my grid Jimmie), having breakfast, just the two of us….and I’m miserable. Why am I miserable???? This day had all of my favorite things in one day.
But standing on the outside, I could see it. I could see the misery and I could see the frustration. And I could see there was no reason for this mood. No triggers at all, in fact completely the opposite.
For the first time, I verbalized this mess to my husband. “I’m really sorry, honey. I feel so shitty, but I can see that it’s a misfire. All I can see are things that should make me happy. I hate my brain”
I felt the separation between how I felt, and how I should feel. Like two separate Leslies looking at the same situation and coming up with completely different feelings.
The brain is misfiring. This has nothing to do with anything. This is my brain telling me the WRONG thing.
This is the sickness.
This is what is making me question myself and my moods almost daily.
This is why I am often unhappy.
Yesterday I saw it clearly. I looked at myself separate from myself and saw the mess and the mixed signals and the downright lies my brain was giving me.
Will I see it tomorrow? Will the fact that I saw it once, help me to see it more clearly in the future? Or will I succumb to the lies and the mixed signals and lock myself away from everyone to be miserable by myself?
Right now, I do talk therapy. But, my therapist wants us to start DBT. Will it make a difference? Or will I live my life as two separate people; one seeing the truth through the lies my brain tells me and one succumbing to the lies?
Yesterday’s post was the result of free writing that I sometimes do when I don’t have time to write a post, but want to remember something that is going on or a thought that I had. Normally, I would come back and re-organize the thoughts into a coherent post.
But, yesterday, I was feeling anything but coherent. Which is why I just posted the raw feelings. Unorganized, messy. Exactly how I was feeling.
I wonder what will happen now. I’ve had emotional and rational breakthroughs before, but I’m still a disaster.
Or is it that no matter how well I see what is happening, I will never be able to control it?