Tags
anger, anxiety, baseline, bipolar, depression, lamictal, memory, memory loss, Mental Health, seroquel, seroquel xr
Next week is my appointment with pdoc. I just saw her two weeks ago, but I wanted to come back quickly so we could see if I would be able to lose weight while I’m on Seroquel XR.
I’m not losing weight. I’m walking. I’m eating healthier. But I’m not losing anything but my patience.
Now I’m considering ditching the Lamictal as well. My memory is awful. Desperately awful. Anxiety inducing, furious Leslie making awful.
Simply put, my memory sucks.
And, as far as I can remember (ridiculous, I know) it wasn’t like this before I was diagnosed and medicated. I know that I used to work at a high stress job and memory was critical. And I excelled. But I don’t really have a handle on how my memory was before my nervous breakdown (yeah yeah major depressive episode..whatevs). I started Lamictal just before my mental health hospital stint and have continued it since.
I ranted on this theme at therapy this morning. Is it the illness? Is it the meds? Will it get better? Are the memories gone or just not accessible? What happens if I stop the Lamictal? Will I be able to regulate my moods on something else? Is my quality of living impaired enough that I’m willing to hop back on the med-go-round? (yes, I think)
And I’m not just looking at the Lamictal. I’m also looking at the Seroquel XR. It’s scary to think that I need to ditch two of my meds.
But, it’s also scary to realize that I have forgotten so many things. Memories of doing things with hubby that are gone. I no longer have access to them. Some of the things I don’t remember are scary. Like driving somewhere and suddenly realizing that I’m lost. I don’t know where I am and I don’t know how I got lost. And then I realize that I’m not lost. I’m on the road I drive several times a week, every week, and I forgot what it looked like. Or stopping mid-sentence because the word I want is missing from my vocabulary suddenly and I can’t even come up with something similar enough to use. And once I find the word, I forgot what I was talking about. I forget what the sentence I’m in the middle of saying was about. I find that to be some seriously disturbing.
And it’s making me angry. And frustrated.
The medications I’m considering changing are actually working on my moods fairly well. I’m always anxious, but I think that’s just the way it’s gonna be from now on, and I can live with that. But, I’m at the point where I’m really concerned that the side effect cost is becoming too high. It’s great that I don’t go into a deep depression or a manic phase, or, God forbid a mixed episode. I’m thrilled about that. But the anger and frustration that I’m experiencing as a result of the side effects are starting to become a problem. I have to consider that the anger and frustration could eventually become so bad that they negate the effectiveness of the meds anyway. And then I would really be screwed.
I don’t know what I’m going to do. I have a week and two more therapy appointments to decide.
Normal is out there 
All of my inept doctors refuse to include memory issues as a side effect of Seroquel or Lamictal but I am fairly sure they are full of shit. I had to ask R the same thing three times today because I kept going numerically dyslexic (when I remembered at all) and he actually yelled at me.
He takes no meds and his memory is shit, but playing fair and having empathy are not skills a narcissist has.
I know between the Nardil brain damage and Lamictal, I have an omelet for brains now. There’s so little by way of mood stabilizers, though (fuck their atypical anti psychotics) that I’m reluctant to switch. Lithium works great if you don’t mind a perpetual haze and gaining a thousand pounds, but even it had impact on memory.
This stuff is a catch 22 that needs to be sliced into two catch 11s with a machete.
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I’m tired of the catch 22. The doctors say I’m “treatment resistant” which is their nice way of saying I’m screwed medication-wise. I’m either gonna be 500 pounds, twitch like I have parkinson’s, or not be able to remember shit. Or a combination of those. It’s never no side effects. It’s a weighing of the side effects against the potential good and I’m tired of the shitty end of the stick.
Can I borrow the machete?
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Absolively. No rental fees on the machete for tribe member. Slash at will!
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Fantastic! Thank you…I’ll get it back to you soon 😉
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I um,,, ooh that’s right, forgot what I was gonna say. Huh?!!? Oh yeah ~ lamictal, i think?? maybe lithium? z WHO IS THIS?? totally stole my memory. Seroquel made me gain 6 or 7 pounds (NO GO!! bad Hx anorexia, stable for me now, but petrified of any weight gain. Body dysmorphia,,,
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That’s a perfect imitations of how I’m rolling right now! lol Seroquel is causing me to binge eat. I have gained a LOT of weight.
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I hope your doc thinks out of the box with a solution. My pdoc kept trying med after med with good, ‘ol treatment-resistant me after I had tried roughly 20 meds before seeing him. He had been incredibly patient but I could sense he was getting exasperated. He finally suggested that I add an MAOI (Parnate, technically an antidepressant) to the lithium I was already taking and that finally helped me.
I’m glad that you’re seeing your doctor sooner rather than later, and I admire you for being proactive despite how tough this all is!!!
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Thanks Dyane. How do you like being on Lithium?
My pdoc is definitely getting a little frustrated. If the meds work, the side effects are crazy bad. Or there are no side effects but my moods are wicked.
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I am pro-Lithium, but I only became that way once I found the right dosage (900mg/night)…..I had been as high as 1575 and that was ridiculous. At the right dose I’ve had very few side effects, a little shaky, a little hair loss but nothing major. Tests are no big deal. I’m fine with lithium and wish it didn’t get the bad p.r. crap it gets….. I’d rather ingest an element found in nature than a Frankendrug!
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Huh. It never even occurred to me that Lithium is at least natural . That is a very interesting point, and one I will have to give some thought.
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Well, kinda sorta natural! 😉 There’s an interesting article in the New York Times all about lithium that got a huge amount of buzz recently, and the author a book deal due to the response – here’s the link:
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That’s a great article…thanks for sharing. It figures that pharma doesn’t want to do research on it. If it can’t have a patent then it’s not worth spending money on it. Asshats.
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Continue to self advocate to your doctor, that is the only way you can see progress. Finding that right mix can be challenging. It has taken my wife a few years to get to the point she is and we are still tweaking it. Have you thought of seeking a second opinion?
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I had a second opinion of sorts a few months back. I went to a psychologist for testing to see what my functionality really is. His opinion was treatment resistant and not likely to ever get it together enough to work. He didn’t suggest anything regarding the medications but he had a list of everything I’ve ever tried and it’s substantial.
I haven’t really considered a second opinion past that.
One of the things that I really do have going for me is that I do advocate for myself most of the time. My father was a pharmacist, and I learned from an early age that you really have to stand up for yourself regarding your medical stuff.
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Good to hear that. With our system the way it is, you almost have to be proactive to get any results. I hope that you find some combination that is successful for you, sooner than later.
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Thanks Vic!
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I was labeled treatment resistant, too, after trying everything pharma had to offer. So I went off all medications under my pdoc’s supervision. That took a good 4 months with symptoms getting much worse as I weaned off one med at a time. I was medication free for 5 years. Symptoms were no worse, no better than on medication, but my memory improved and the brain fog cleared. But I had to be religious about managing my illness and willing to try just about anything. It’s a hard path to take, but it was the only one open to me since meds didn’t work.
So, what a shock to try Vyvanse for my binge eating disorder and find that it levels my moods. My NP said amphetamines are effective in depression in some cases (an out of the box solution), but can trigger mania. So far so good.
Anyway, only you can decide what you’re willing to tolerate, which problems are priority and how pro-active you’re willing to be in your own management. All of us Cinderellas have our own glass slipper.
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I talk often of weaning off everything to see where I actually am illness-wise. But, I’m afraid to do it because I’m afraid of things getting worse, although going off two of them gets me almost half way there. I am so glad that it worked out for you. It had to be so scary.
I would never have considered an amphetamine as a treatment for any of my “disorders”. I would think anxiety and mania would not be far behind. Sometimes, it’s the weirdest stuff that works.
I have started walking a few times a week (right now I’m recovering from some blisters that I re-injured this morning). And I would like to start to doing some yoga. I’m hoping that once I get to a point where I’m exercising a lot, that it’ll help with my moods.
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That’s a great plan. Now that both your feet are “fixed,” it must be like getting out of jail.
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It really is. Now, if life in the house starts to piss me off I can go out for a walk. The CVS is close enough that, with some more stamina, I’ll be able to walk and pick up my meds, which would be awesome. Plus fall is starting to start in SC and it’s gorgeous outside. Both the dog (Earl) and I enjoy our walks.
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Earl. That’s such a great dog name.
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lol Thanks! I also call him Bubba or Bubba Lou. Everyone should have a nickname. 🙂
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I COMPLETELY understand. I thought I was the only one who went through the sentence issue. I really hope you get a solution that helps you not feel that way. It’s a really hard choice to make sometimes, but as long as you remain active in that decision,I think you’ll be just fine. And until that point, you always have your online family to help you through the bad times and celebrate the good! Good luck!
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thanks Michelle. I really appreciate it.
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God Leslie, its eery – I’m going through a similar thing myself. I’m withdrawing from venlafaxine, just started olanzapine, memory?? what memory. Can’t remember names, the end of the sentence, the subject matter, what day it is (have to look at my phone…..ahhhh, its Tuesday). Don’t know which are symptoms and which are side effects, what is bipolar and what is just me. Right now I demand very little of myself and just try to go with the flow – that is until the 10am anxiety kicks in, then I just try to keep my head above water….. We can paddle this sinking ship together – two hands are better than one 🙂
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Thank you for your comments and support. It is always helpful to know that someone else understands. I know that it’s true, but continued validation is helpful. I’m sorry you are having the same problems. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but unfortunately we’re all in it all the time. My appointment is in 2 hours and I’m already getting anxious. My plan for today is to get on the scale and see what happened with the diet and exercise the last 2 weeks. If nothing has changed than the Seroquel is going to get dumped.
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