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Trigger Warning…I’m discussing my car accident yesterday and how it has tied into my suicidal ideation

If this is something that may bother you, please change the channel.  I don’t want to make anyone’s day harder than it has to be.

The car accident I had yesterday would not have killed me.  It was rough, but I was wearing my seatbelt and I had lots of airbags. I had never been in an accident with airbag deployment before and I was terrified.    But, I was glad to be alive.  I took stock of my physical self, decided what hurt and what didn’t and tried to decide what to do. Call the cops.  Call hubby.  Get someone to help me decide how hurt I actually am. The 911 operator insisted on knowing if I was hurt.  I was just as insistent that I didn’t know.  Yes I was in pain, but I have no idea if it’s serious.  Finally I just told her to send the ambulance.  Better safe than sorry I suppose.  Plus, it shut her up.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m extremely grateful for her assistance.  But, I have a hard time when people ask me the same questions over and over and over and I don’t have the answer.

The police showed, the fire departments showed (I couldn’t answer whether there were fluids leaking from the car) and my ambulance.  Into a C-collar and onto a gurney. Finally being able to see that there was no blood anywhere and being able to stand meant nothing was broken in my legs.

As I was wheeled into the ambulance, I got my first look at my car from the outside.  It didn’t look too bad.  Passenger side headlight was broken, but not too bad, considering. Until I talked to my husband.

He had to pass the accident site on the way to the hospital.  He said the passenger side of the car is destroyed.  He said that it’s pushed over into the driver’s side somewhat. I’m so glad I didn’t have a passenger.

Last year at this time, I was trying to figure out how to use my car to kill myself.  Had to look like an accident, I needed the life insurance to pay out.

Now, I’ve been in a serious accident and I’m so glad I wasn’t seriously hurt.  This was not a touch and go life threatening situation that has made me see the light.  This was a regular accident that people go through every single day.  But for me it was also an emotional enlightenment.

I don’t want to die…..

I don’t know what I was thinking, when I thought that suicide by car would be a good plan.  Hell, I don’t know why I thought suicide would be a good plan period.  But, that’s really the rub isn’t it?  Whatever it is that we are thinking when we are suicidal is false thinking.  For me, it is a combination of not knowing how I am going to survive through the next minute because the mental anguish is so pronounced and a desire to have my family not have to suffer through more of my uselessness any more than absolutely necessary.

Right now, things are good enough that I do not have suicidal ideation.  My moods have been up and down, but I have been lucky enough that suicide hasn’t entered into the constant conversation I have with myself.

I’m grateful that I wasn’t hurt more then I was.  I’m grateful that I’m not dead.

I’m grateful that this experience has made me take notice of, and be happy about, not wishing myself dead.