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Yesterday, MIL came to me and she was upset.  She doesn’t feel welcome here.  She thinks I don’t like her.  It makes her miss her husband even more than she already does and exacerbates her depression.

We had a nice talk.  I wrote most of our issues off to med changes, car accident issues and other minor things.

Most of it was a crock of shit.

My MIL is a wonderful person.  I know that I vent about her a lot here, but the issues that I have with her are not because she’s a bad person.  The issues I have are small examples of larger issues that have nothing to do with her.  They are things that make me feel as though I am losing what little control I feel I have.

So, now I don’t know what to do.  I have to modify my thinking somehow.  Because there are certain facts that are just not going to change.  She’s 66.  She is who she is going to be.  And she will live with us until she dies.

But, again, the things that bug me about her are just symptoms of larger issues that I have.

For instance:  MIL is Captain Obvious.  “You didn’t bring your purse with you” (I’m aware of that), “the sky is blue” (really?) blah blah blah

I can’t stand talking for the sake of talking.  I don’t know why it makes me nuts, but I get very agitated when I’m dealing with that.  But, that is something I have to deal with.  I need to learn to modify my reactions, so that I don’t end up getting super snitty when she does it.  Because, she is not going to change.  I must.

I think that is one of the hardest parts of mental illness.  We must find a way to modify our emotional reactions, as they tend to be too extreme.  However, we must also be able to tell when our reactions are too extreme, and when they are appropriate. Because, we have the right to have emotions.  But, if we want to live in society, with our family and friends, we have to try to keep those extreme reactions under control. We also need to be able to figure out if someone is being horrible to us (or around us) or if our reaction to their actions is even justified.

That’s a lot to think about before we allow our reactions to show.  And it’s exhausting.  I question every single thing that I think, say or do to see if I’m over-reacting.  I’m constantly exhausted and most of it is just from trying to control my moods and emotions.

And, it would appear, that I’m failing in figuring all of that out, at least as far as my home life is concerned.

I know it’s a process.

I know it’s a lifelong struggle.

But, I’m making someone else uncomfortable with my inability to control these things.

And, that makes me very sad and frustrated.

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