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I took my sling off for a few minutes, because I just needed to write.  The cast is actually easier to deal with than not being able to straighten out my elbow.  But, I am keeping my elbow bent while doing this.

Today I had to go to our electricity co-op’s general elections.  Now, I think it will be a few months yet before I really start delving into how our nation’s presidential race is shaping up.  You gotta know I couldn’t give a shit about the electric co-op presidential race.  But, if you go and you vote you get $30.00 off your  next electric bill.  Awesome. Sign. Me. Up.

MIL took me.  We were actually going to hang out for the meeting (not required to get the $30).  There are lots of door prizes and there are usually not that many people who stay.  So, you can collect the “must be present to win” vouchers off people that are leaving and get a better chance at winning something.  Grand prize – Jeep.  So the plan was to stay.

Until I went into the room where the meeting was to be held.  No. Way.  Just…not gonna happen.  There were a couple hundred people already in there.  Loud music was playing and the temperature rose 10 degrees from the outside temperature.  I got 20 paces into the room, turned to MIL and said “We’re leaving”.

To her credit, she was game either way.

One of my favorite things used to be going to the mall at Christmastime (never ever ever ever Black Friday…ever) and doing my shopping.  I would find Santa to see if the mall had hired a “good” Santa.  I would wander through the Hallmark Store.  Find the Pepperidge Farm stand and buy some sausage and cheese for my grandparents (they loved that stuff).  And shoe store surf for cool boots and 4″ heels.

There were people everywhere.  And it was warm.  And there was music playing.

Apparently those three things are my kryptonite now.

I never particularly liked the warm temps.  But the rest? At Christmas I relished it and at other times had no problem with it.

Now? Well, now I can’t deal with any of it.

And I hate it.

I always have been a homebody, but still, I did enjoy those things as well.  Now, I couldn’t be bothered to leave my house except for the basics.  Doctor appts, grocery shopping and that’s pretty much it.

And I hate it.

I structure the days I leave the house very very carefully.  I must go around to the various errands in order.  I must always start at one place and circle around, never ever backtracking, until I come back home.

MIL’s plan of attack for how we would accomplish the day’s errands, including voting, was not in the “proper” order.  I’m in the cast for 6 weeks so she has drawn chauffeur detail.  Now I have to teach her that there is a proper order for doing things.  The less backtracking that you do, the faster you get home.  It’s crucial.

I like to pass it off as time management.  But it’s not.  And no amount of wishing is going to change that.

This is the agoraphobia with panic disorder part of this mental diagnosis soup.

I don’t particularly care for it honestly.  I will be looking forward to doing something and as the time approaches I start looking for excuses for why I can’t go.  I know I might have fun, but I have also sabotaged so many outings because I have become angry that I couldn’t get out of it.

I think that not having my own transportation is probably why this is at the forefront of my thoughts right now.  I’m noticing it more.  The insurance company called today and told me how much I would be receiving.  It’s more than I was expecting so…YAY.  The penny pincher in me feels like I should not replace the car and use that money on bills.

But the Mental Illness is demanding and it wants a car.

Once again the logical side of my brain and the emotional side are at war.  Pushing, pulling, back and forth, until I want to throw up from the motion sickness.

I wish that I had been able to sit through that meeting today.

But I wish I could experience the mall at Christmas time more.

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