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I hope that I am not becoming one of those people who hate Christmas.

Years ago, when I had my first nervous breakdown, my “last straw” so to speak, was Christmas music on my favorite radio station the week before Thanksgiving.

I haven’t been right since.

I used to take great joy in decorating.  I used to love to shop for presents and no one was immune from my gift giving.  I threw parties and loved going to them.  I enjoyed Christmas music, loved putting up the tree and always believed in the spirit of giving and family that is Christmas.

But, I haven’t been right for years.

I don’t want to decorate.  Hubby is putting up lights, but I can barely bring myself to care.  I have a million excuses as to why I haven’t decorated on the inside of the house.  I can’t fathom the undertaking that putting up a tree will be.

I’m not in the mood to be happy.

And it scares me.

Is this what the holidays are always going to be like for me?  It’s been years, but it’s as if I feel that nervous breakdown happening again the first time I hear a Christmas song every year.  And I become fragile.  And withdrawn.  And very very quiet.  Because if I try really hard to be quiet, then I won’t yell at anyone.

I’ve had some medication changes recently, but this problem has been going on for years now.  And I’m miserable about it.

I love Christmas.

At least I used to love Christmas.

Hubby did the shopping for the grandson solo.  Usually I love to go along.  MIL wrapped the gifts that hubby bought, because I couldn’t be bothered.  I’ll take them to the post office, but that’s the extent of it.  I’m so disconnected.

I’m going to try to make a Christmas dinner.  MIL somehow ended up with a couple of hams (?) so I’ll make one of those.  Ham dinner is always easier for me then turkey.  Turkey has so many “trimmings”.

MIL goes to her sister’s house this weekend to visit.  Maybe I can find some “give a fuck” while she’s gone and get a couple things done.

Maybe not.

But, I hope so.