MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING. I’M EXPLAINING, IN DETAIL, THE MINUTE TO MINUTE FEELINGS OF A RISE IN ANXIETY (WHICH ACTUALLY TURNS OUT TO BE HYPOMANIA)
I’m not calling this a panic attack, because I hope to stop it before it gets that far. But I have a unique moment to describe my rising anxiety as it is happening and I want to do that, so that people who don’t know what it feels like, might understand a little better.
6:30 AM – Playing a game on the computer, mostly just screwing around till 7 when it’s time to feed the cats.
6:34 AM – Stomach is tightening up and starting to flutter a little like there are some butterflies in there.
6:36 AM – Wondering if this post is a good idea and I should just go take the klonopin now.
6:37 AM – My toes are curling and uncurling quickly and tightly. They must move. It’s as if they have their own agenda and must must must move.
Now my whole foot and leg are in on the deal. Muscles are tightening and I have no real control over any of it.
6:39 AM – Butterflies in the stomach are worsening. Legs tense, arms tense, palms starting to sweat. I also just had one of those weird shivers. The kind that a lot of people get when they hear nails on a chalkboard. I get those shivers when my anxiety starts to ramp up.
This is starting to take a lot of effort to write, because the typos are getting a little out of hand. My hands feel weird. Too tight. It’s hard to type because I just want to clench my fists.
I’ve going to start leaving in the typos.
6:42 AM Feet are in constant motion. I cannot clench them eough
I’m getting a headace in the back of my head.
6:44AM My shoulder hurts and my arms and my neck. Everything is starting to tense up.
Ttying some stretching exercises to release the tension in my arems back, legs, feet and hhands.
just tried to get a deep breath and coudln’t . Tried again….got it that time.
6:46 AM – titghtening in my chest. hands are starting to shake. Feet are feeling uncontrolable urge to move away from my body. They no longer wish to be connected ot me.
Titghtening in my throat now. Tigthening in my chest is getting worse. I can only draw a deep breath through my mouth, no longer through my nose. It hurts to breath that deeply
6:49 AM I have started rubbing my face really hard; This could actually be the beginning of a hypomanic episode instead of straight anxiety.
My own shoulders are giving me the creeps.. I have to keep moving them and when I do I get those weird shivers.
Digging my fingernails into my palms
Now I’m yawning to get that deep breath. I know logically (because a nurse proved it to me in the hospital once with one of those clip on oxygen meter thingys) that what is happening with my breathing is hyperventilation and not an inability to gtet a breath, but it feels like I can’t breathe.
Everythingi s cramping up. No, cramping isn’t the right word. Tenseing. My whole body is tensing up. Legs, feet, butt, arms shouldners, back neck hands.
6:57AM time to feed the cats.
7:04 AM Cats fed. Still having a hard time getting a deep breath.
Now I’m seriously questioning myself. Can I hold the whole process here ad cope with it till I get to therapy at 10 or am I going to need to take a half of a klonopin and risk getting sleepy?
Damn, my headace is really starting to hurt and so are my arms. My throat is still tight and it’s biving me that feeling like I need to throw up, More shivers
My thoughts are racing around and around and around in my head. It’s kind of like being in a movie theater before a amoving starts and everyone is talking, except that everyone is talking about stuff thet pertains to me. Byt I ca’t pickout one conversation and follow it. it’s just noise.
7:12 AN – I’n startig to get my breathing back now. This means that this is probably a rise of hypomania rather than an anxiety attack. Hypomania for me is also characterized by a need to rub my forehead really really hard (don’t ask me why, I do not know). Sometimes I’m surprised I do’t rub the skin off.
Sometimes I’m able to turn these attacks of hypomania into something useful. I can clean or bake or cook or something. Sometimes they are extremely intrusive and I will have to take something to “come down” which I don’t like doing, but sometimes these things get away from me, and you have to do what you have to do.
7:16 AM I would say this is definitely hypomania now. My breathing has eased, I no longer feel short of breath. Even a lot of the tension has gone out of my muscles. I now feel impatient and slightly annoyed. Everyone is asleep and I can’t start doing anything. Oh…I could do some laundry.
Ok, well I’m off to do some laundry and then we’ll see how much else I can get accomplished before I either crash and burn, or become too uncomfortable and take a klonopin.