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General housekeeping for those of you following along. J is still in rehab and committed to staying there until released sometime later this week. He revealed in the counselling session that he is going back to the mother’s home and is going to “make it up” to everyone. So, he’s going to leave rehab and go back to the most dangerous place for him to go. Awesome. But, as of right now, he is very committed to getting better, so we’ll take what we can get.
But, that’s not what this post is about.
This post is about the reason that I was asked NOT to come to the counseling session and the issue about me that was going to be discussed at that session. When hubby came back from the counseling session, he said that there was nothing. J was not angry with me or anything and I brushed off what had been said as the mother trying to hurt my feelings.
Except that was not was was happening. J was just not willing to talk about the issue in counseling. But A told hubby while everyone was out smoking the night after the counselling session. And hubby didn’t tell me until I started verbally wondering why the mother would make up shit just to hurt me. I don’t like her, but that’s low, even for her.
It turns out, that I help too much. I forget the actual word used (and I want to find that out from hubby later, but for now….) but it was along the lines of annoying, overbearing, obnoxious. Because I help too much.
I don’t even know what to do with that except be unreservedly sad. My one strength that I still acknowledge, the thing that I hold onto tightly to prove I’m a useful person deserving of the oxygen that I take up, is my ability to help people.
I still don’t even have words to help me describe how I feel right now. The wind is out of my sails. It feels like the full brunt of this complaint, still hasn’t hit me. It kind of feels like I’m getting kicked in the chest in slow motion and I’m still waiting for it to be over.
I forgot what it was like to be this sad.
Normal is out there 
Awwwwwwwwww 😦 a million hugs for you, what a difficult explanation to have to hear and accept 😦
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I literally don’t even know where to start
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Maybe look at where it’s coming from – it’s not an objective viewpoint. I’m guessing it’s all far, far more about him than you. I hate that it landed up giving you a metaphorical punch in the guts, when all you’ve done is try to help 😦 hopefully things will ease along the way – rehab and recovery are big journeys, as you know.
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It’s not just coming from J though, it’s coming from A as well. Just makes me really sad. It’s a new boundary that I have to put up, so I don’t “help too much”
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I imagine it feels like a kick in the teeth 😦
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pretty much
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It goes back to who is saying it. I am fiercely independent, a loner, and I really resent when people try to help to the extent they’re doing everything for me like I am a child. They mean well, but for my personality, it does not work.
Now my mom, who’s a 67 year old mental child, she loooves having my sister cater to her and take care of every little detail even though my sis sometimes wants to tell her to do it herself.
Don’t make this about yourself too much. Okay, this person thinks you’re too helpful. So you’ll be less helpful to them but be true to yourself and move along.
Don’t let anyone take away what you consider to be your best qualities.
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I know you (and Blah) are right. But, it’s just making me so sad.
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The other thing, too, is that I was asked to help here. But now that I have, I’m hearing all this. It’s a little much to take for me. Maybe I am being unfair, I don’t know.
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In regards to the “helping too much” comment. Perhaps it is making that individual feel too co-dependent because you want to help so much? If that is the case don’t feel hurt by this but take it as a healthy comment on their part and perhaps a bit of self awareness?
My wife came out one day and said something very similar to me. She said she loved me but was too co-dependent on me and didn’t feel like she could/would be successful without me there. It sounds bad but I have tried to step back and make her take a more active role in daily life, making her feel less co-dependent. Little things like making the kids lunches in the morning.
Something to consider at the very least? Take care.
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Thanks Vic
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Strongs and hugs. And a hot cup of chocolate with Marshmallows
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ACK! I meant a cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows!
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lol
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I know this really hurts, but it’s a blessing in disguise. You get to look at why you need to fix these kids, or the situation. You get an opportunity to step back–not just from the emotional hurt, but from the step-family. It’s a chance to listen to A & J and give them what they want instead of what you know is right for them. That’s all hard work, *important work* for us folk with mental illness as well as for a step-mom.
My sister has a horrible time with her adult step-daughters (who are only 10 years younger than her). She, too, is a fixer–and a GOOD one, like you are. But they resent every smidgen of it. She’s learned hard lessons, and is still struggling AND SHE’S NEURO-NORMAL!
Her job, and your job, is to support hubby. Period. You can still do all the research, but give it to him and let him do with it what he wants (and this is key) without attachment. Discuss your concerns with him. Support him as he figures out how to deal with his kids, but keep out of it personally. When you start to spin in your need to be helpful, ask yourself, “Did anyone ask me to _____?” If not, stop and get out your coloring book instead.
Being a Warrior Problem-Solver is not all you are. It is not the sum of your worth as a human being. It isn’t proof that you deserve a place on this earth. I know it feels that way. I know that stripping off one more piece of yourself seems impossible. I know that you feel like there’s nothing of YOU left. But, the truth is that the REAL you can never be reduced. She’s there. Keep digging for her.
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I have received a lot of feedback in this same vein of thought and I have resisted it strenuously. But, as time is passing and I am really putting my thoughts to what is being said, I’m realizing that you are all right. This is certainly going to be an epic task for me, but I am going to try. The hardest parts are going to be when they call and tell us that everything has fallen hopelessly apart and that they don’t know what to do. That’s what happened with the situation with J. I’m going to do my best to focus on hubby.
I can’t wait till therapy at 11 to get this all hashed out with Karen!
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It will be hard. It might help to remember that they catastrophize, and they are very young (I guess that’s the same thing).
I’m here for you.
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Thanks Sandy
Therapy was rough this morning. I hate this situation
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I’m sorry for coming in now after taking a blog holiday, so I hope this isn’t completely out of subject. I see others have voiced my thoughts, such as the bipolar probably making you more emotionally responsive to this. I haven’t been diagnosed as bipolar just yet, but I I do suffer from depression and anxiety and in any case I was very taken aback by the realisation that what I thought was being caring and loving and helpful was seen by my very children and husband as being patronising.
It was my 8-year-old daughter who made me realise it, and for years I cried and cried because people called me too intense or were mean to me as a response to me trying to be helpful. I had NEVER considered I could be seen as patronising before. So it hurt, it still hurts, but it has changed my awareness of myself. As others have pointed out gently, it may be that what we consider being helpful is seen by others as you thinking you are “better” than them at sorting things out. Which you probably are… but they don’t want to receive your help, they want to do things themselves.
On the other hand, just today I chatted with a friend about her finally, after years of being the “hub”, the source of strength for her siblings, her husband, her father… she is now finally saying all right now, I’m the one who needs help. We commented how hard that step was, no least for the pride of having coped with so much for so long, and now feeling ashamed, and, secretly, hoping they can help us as well as we would have helped them.
This may be completely irrelevant to you, or it may hep you see it from a very different point of view. I hope for the latter of course.
The conclusion was that whereas for me my sons’ attitude towards a “patronising” mother hurt me like a blade in the chest, my husband just said: “val, it’s teenagers being ungrateful, it’s absolutely natural!”
Anyway, hugs, I feel your sadness xxx
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Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. It means a lot. I don’t know if they are thinking patronizing so much as they are thinking “controlling”. And it’s hugely painful, because of course the last thing I would ever want to do is make them unhappy. They asked for help, I gave them help. But I guess they didn’t want as much as I was willing to give.
I’m trying very very hard to come to terms with this, but it is proving difficult. When we were there the other day, I kept getting the stinky eyeball from A and I couldn’t understand it. Now that I know the reason, I hear what they are saying, but I still don’t really know what to do about it.
Right now, and I know it sounds petulant, but I don’t even want to talk to any of them. I’ve got to figure out the new boundaries and i’m still too hurt to try.
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The mother feels threatened by you because deep down she knows you are a better person. Simple. Jealousy. She sounds like the type of person that if things aren’t going well in her life, she feels the need to other people’s lives apart *shakes head*
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Yeah that sounds about right. She also takes a lot of pain medication (for legitimate conditions) but there are some issues with that for sure.
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