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I’ve been having a very hard couple of days.  Anger and sadness have combined to make one volatile woman.  I have no drive to do anything.  Honestly, I only showered yesterday because I had therapy.  But, I told her that…I didn’t want her to get the idea that I’m at least coping with my everyday shit. *sigh*

Ever since I found out that J&A think I help too much, I’ve been at a real loss.  I received a lot of really great comments and had a really difficult therapy session with Karen yesterday.  Hubby may come with me tomorrow because there are issues that we now have as a couple because of what was said.  He’s worried for me, his feelings are hurt as well, and we don’t really know what to do about the situation.  We can’t stop helping, but where is the line?  We don’t know.

We get a lot of mixed signals as well.  A told hubby that I help too much and take over, but what am I supposed to do when I receive the message that “J has hit rock bottom and I can’t find a facility to take him without insurance”?  I took that as a request to DO something.  So I did.

Now, A is in the hospital.  She has a lot of back problems and a new one is flaring up and messing with the nerves to her legs.  J was released early from rehab and is living back with his mother….so far so good but it’s been dicey.  He no longer has a job or transportation.  K is going to be expected to make up the difference in the rent while J is unemployed, but his hours just got cut, and while he’s looking for something new, he hasn’t found anything yet.

And I’m paralyzed.  Well, half the time I’m paralyzed and the other half of the time I’m furious and they switch in a second.  I wrote “feel better soon” on A’s facebook status and then started to cry.

My bipolar is not helping matters.  My baseline is anxious.  So it really doesn’t take much to set me spinning.  I’m dreading hubby and MIL getting out of bed because I feel like anyone else’s voice is just going to set me off.  I’m spiraling into this abyss of uncertainty (of how to act) and fear (that I’ll do it wrong).  I’ve gotten myself so worked up in the morning that I’ve done nothing but sleep all afternoon and night.  I’m binge eating.  I’m having all of my shitty symptoms at the same time.

I have to wonder how it would be if A had told hubby that I help too much, but I didn’t have bipolar or anxiety or depression.  Would I just be a little sad and move on?  I have to believe that I would have coped better.  That I would BE coping better.

I can already feel the depression settling in for a good old fashioned round of crying and hiding.  I feel bad for hubby.  He loves me and he’s worried about me and I can’t pretend long enough for him to stop worrying.  If I could just hold it together, pretend to be fine, then he wouldn’t have to worry over me as well as his kids.

Well, that’s all for now folks.

Sorry for the abrupt shitty ending.

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