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I’ve been having a very hard couple of days. Anger and sadness have combined to make one volatile woman. I have no drive to do anything. Honestly, I only showered yesterday because I had therapy. But, I told her that…I didn’t want her to get the idea that I’m at least coping with my everyday shit. *sigh*
Ever since I found out that J&A think I help too much, I’ve been at a real loss. I received a lot of really great comments and had a really difficult therapy session with Karen yesterday. Hubby may come with me tomorrow because there are issues that we now have as a couple because of what was said. He’s worried for me, his feelings are hurt as well, and we don’t really know what to do about the situation. We can’t stop helping, but where is the line? We don’t know.
We get a lot of mixed signals as well. A told hubby that I help too much and take over, but what am I supposed to do when I receive the message that “J has hit rock bottom and I can’t find a facility to take him without insurance”? I took that as a request to DO something. So I did.
Now, A is in the hospital. She has a lot of back problems and a new one is flaring up and messing with the nerves to her legs. J was released early from rehab and is living back with his mother….so far so good but it’s been dicey. He no longer has a job or transportation. K is going to be expected to make up the difference in the rent while J is unemployed, but his hours just got cut, and while he’s looking for something new, he hasn’t found anything yet.
And I’m paralyzed. Well, half the time I’m paralyzed and the other half of the time I’m furious and they switch in a second. I wrote “feel better soon” on A’s facebook status and then started to cry.
My bipolar is not helping matters. My baseline is anxious. So it really doesn’t take much to set me spinning. I’m dreading hubby and MIL getting out of bed because I feel like anyone else’s voice is just going to set me off. I’m spiraling into this abyss of uncertainty (of how to act) and fear (that I’ll do it wrong). I’ve gotten myself so worked up in the morning that I’ve done nothing but sleep all afternoon and night. I’m binge eating. I’m having all of my shitty symptoms at the same time.
I have to wonder how it would be if A had told hubby that I help too much, but I didn’t have bipolar or anxiety or depression. Would I just be a little sad and move on? I have to believe that I would have coped better. That I would BE coping better.
I can already feel the depression settling in for a good old fashioned round of crying and hiding. I feel bad for hubby. He loves me and he’s worried about me and I can’t pretend long enough for him to stop worrying. If I could just hold it together, pretend to be fine, then he wouldn’t have to worry over me as well as his kids.
Well, that’s all for now folks.
Sorry for the abrupt shitty ending.
Xeno said:
seems like he’d still worry regardless, idk. pretending to be fine may not be an ideal conduit for energy expenditure…
… but, i’ve never been in a situation like yours. I could only imagine.
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blahpolar said:
I think it’s a given that people with bipolar disorder experience mood etc stuff at an extra intense level, so I agree that you’re taking it harder because you’re bipolar.
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Leslie said:
Erg….Bipolar sucks
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SassaFrassTheFeisty said:
I agree with Blah. Our BP intensifies everything, even when we work hard for it not to.
As far as J saying you help too much, it’s a double edged sword. But the fact YOU looked into a facility that he could go to without having insurance says you really do care, and that with his addiction he isn’t able to see that clearly right now. Even my kids tell me to let them do it themselves and its hard to NOT do things for them. We love the kids-biological or step or adopted. So we will do anything and everything to make sure they’re taken care of.
I think hubby going tomorrow is a great idea and admitting you DON’T know what to do are steps in the right direction. We know it’s not easy to walk the path, but you have Hubby-even if they say you help too much. ❤ ❤ ❤
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morgueticiaatoms said:
Wanna join me in fort blankie for the weekend? I will buy lots of bad (meaning, tastes good) snacks and we can just vegetate. ❤
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Leslie said:
Oh yes! I would give almost anything to just veg and not have to put on my happy face. Bliss
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Drew Sheldon said:
I don’t know you, but you are clearly a warm, caring person. I deal with horrible anxiety and bipolar-like symptoms due to Complex PTSD. Mixed signals are the worst, and I get them all the time. It’s alienated me from some very close friends. It really sucks, and I’m sorry to see you going through similar stuff. You’re obviously trying to help, and that ends up hurting you. I hope things get better for you soon.
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Leslie said:
Thanks Drew. It’s a process. I’m trying to get back to some of my coping skills that I haven’t used in awhile. Hopefully those will help.
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Drew Sheldon said:
I’m hoping for you. Hugs.
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HMJonesWrites said:
I have been diagnosed as bi-polar type II. I constantly have to tell myself that I AM NOT ANGRY AND VOLATILE. My stupid head tells me to be that way, but I am not that way. I am kind. I love my children. I love my husband. I enjoy things. Because your head will be, especially in depression, telling you to give into being these things you’re not. I hope you remember to tell yourself that while your sickness is a part of you, it is not you. I have extreme rage with my mania. When stupid shit enters my head, “That is not your thought. That is your sickness and you are not your sickness.” It doesn’t always work, but it often does. How do we deal with the messes we already made? That’s that hard part, and it’s a long work of great effort, which seems so hard when you’re already depressed and don’t want to do anything, let alone fight a difficult fight. Peace and wellness to you.
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Leslie said:
Thank you so much. It is definitely important to try to identify what is actual thinking and what is the disease. I have a hard time once I recognize that a thought is the disease though. Ok…I see that this is not me and it is the disease…but I’m still pissed or depressed or whatever.
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HMJonesWrites said:
I know. It doesn’t make it perfect, to know it’s not you. It sucks still. Hugs.
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Leslie said:
Hugs to you too
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Billy said:
xxx
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dianetharp70 said:
***{{{(((HUGS)))}}}***
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Leslie said:
Thanks Diane
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