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chutes-ladders-beforeMost have seen this board game as a child.  It goes by different names (I think it some versions the chutes are snakes or slides or whatever)  Even the above board is a redesign from the original.

I think it’s the perfect bipolar board game.  Climb so hard to get to the top and fall down a chute to the bottom.

Right now, I’m in a chute.  A long one.  Probably the one from 62 to 18, because it’s not like I had it all the way together to start with.

If you have noticed my absence over the last couple days, it’s because I’ve been asleep.  All day Wednesday, most of yesterday.  It’s 6 am now and I’m exhausted.  I got up only because I have therapy today.  I’ll probably wear my pajamas.  Those of you who navigate this bipolar mess and have little ones at home….well…I’m gonna have trophies made for you because I don’t know how you do it.  I can barely manage myself…God forbid anyone else is counting on me for life sustaining assistance like eating.

I don’t know what has me so down.  Which, is of course, a normal problem to have, isn’t it my dear Tribe?  Depression for the sake of depression.  I tell hubby and MIL that I don’t feel good.  Which, is true in a way.  But not really.  I mean for them to think that I’m getting physically ill, but I’m not.  It’s my brain that’s keeping me down.

Yesterday I finally got out of bed around 12.  I went out to my greenhouse, watered the plants that needed it, came in and went back to bed.  That was it.  That was my big accomplishment for the day.  Woot woot!

Whatever

I feel like crap.  Seriously, I’m so down right now.  I have zero interest in anything.  If I had the energy, I would feel terrible about it.  Hubby has enough on his plate, he doesn’t need this, too.  I wish that there was something I could do about it.  How come there are meds to bring us down in a hurry, but nothing we can use to curb the downward spiral?

I’m safe.  Honestly, if I were having much in the way of suicidal ideation, I don’t know that I have the energy to do anything about it anyway.  The only thing I can really think about is how much I want to go back to sleep.

I can barely muster up the “give a shit” to finish this post off properly, so I’m not gonna.

 

the end

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