Tags
bipolar, Bipolar Depression, depression, Mental Health, Mental Illness, suicidal ideation, suicidal thoughts, therapy
Yesterday (Friday) was a bad day. Thursday was worse. And Wednesday? Well, Wednesday I never even got out of bed…in fact I only woke up to go to the bathroom and go back to bed and to sleep.
Today is Saturday and I feel pretty good. It’s 7:00 am, I’ve been up for awhile and I’ve followed my normal routine. I read the blogs I follow, I caught up on my farming game (damn I love farming games), I fed the cats, and now I’m getting my own blog entry ready. Today is the first time since the beginning of the week that I’ve accomplished any/all of this. Even my posts this week have been shared from others or old drafts.
I’m not really sure what happened, to be honest. Karen thinks that having my adrenaline going for so long over the situation with J may have contributed to this latest mood drop. Once things were finally under control, the adrenaline vanished and I was left with exhaustion.
But, we both agree, that explanation is much too simplistic. Because it isn’t just exhaustion, it’s depression, with the exhaustion as a symptom, not an explanation. My particular brand of depression is bipolar depression.
I spent some time this morning looking for “official” descriptions of the symptoms of bipolar depression. I visited the websites of the usual suspects Mayo Clinic, Web MD, National Institute of Mental Health. After that, Google starts handing out sites for the drug companies.
I don’t do a lot of research on the subject of bipolar. I’ve read the major sites, I’ve read some minor sites and I’ve read a lot of blogs. And what I’ve found, is that the ONLY way to really describe bipolar depression is anecdotal evidence. The stories of those who suffer, give the best description of bipolar depression you’re going to find. None of the above websites talk about the reality of the exhaustion that prohibits us from leaving our beds. In my case, I stayed there for 3 days. I got up to go to therapy yesterday, because somewhere in the back of my head a tiny voice was yelling that it was necessary. The effort required to get up, get dressed, brush my teeth, drive to therapy, talk for an hour and drive home was like running a marathon that I hadn’t trained for. I collapsed into bed as soon as hubby left for work and slept the rest of the day and all night.
The feeling of worthlessness that sleeping for three days produces is indescribable. Life went on without me. Hubby worked, MIL made him dinner, the animals got fed and I did none of it. The household routine functioned just fine without my assistance. So, what exactly is my purpose then?
Today, I understand a little more. Today, I see that it’s not just the things I do, but the person that I am (or more accurately, the person that I am under all the mania and depression) that makes me valuable. But, when even getting out of bed is impossible, seeing any type of value in who you are is like expecting to win the lottery. Because, first you have to at least be willing to play. And if you can’t do that…well, you’re not likely to win, are you.
This moment of clarity may last for weeks, days, or minutes. It’s impossible to tell. What I do know is that when the next depressive episode hits me, even reading the descriptions that I have written here is not going to help much. Because, the depressive episode is impervious to logic or explanation. It just exists. Personally, I have never been talked out of a depressive episode. It will last as long as it wishes to last (and yes, I have just turned my depressive episodes into a being with the power of thought). It will persist till it’s willing to give way.
The good thing about this last episode…(and I think it’s kind of sick that I see this as a plus )is that I was so depressed that even suicidal ideation wasn’t possible. Thinking about killing myself, coming up with a plan…exhausting. Rather sleep, thanks.
I’m going to try to get the things done today that I have planned. There are one or two “must do” items and then a few “if I get to it” items.
Hopefully, I can maintain this relatively stable mood for a bit.
I’d be happy to get through the day to be honest.
Feel free to share links to articles you think help describe bipolar depression well.
Normal is out there 
This looks like a really great description of bipolar to me. I’m glad to see you’re doing a little better. I hope it does last a long time.
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Thanks Drew! Me, too!
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Only way I can describe it is like this: my bipolar depression is black and feels like a weighted blanket holding me down. It has tendrils for hands that hold me in place and cover my mouth to prevent me from screaming for help. And it’s a bone chilling cold that no amount of heat can take away.
I think you nailed when you called it a being, because it IS like a living, breathing entity that cares not what we want abs think and feel. All things stable/baseline and rational go right out the window. And i do agree that the “plus” of the exhaustive depression is so consuming that you can’t even think of suicide ideation.
Hang in there, lady. You have friends here to help and support through this. Love ya woman ❤❤❤
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And your description proves why there can be no really good “mainstream” description of how depression feels. Your description is completely different from mine. (yours sounds quite terrifying to be honest)
Information is power (so they tell me) and I really believe that the best information we have is anecdotal. Maybe if I ever string more than one or two days together I can put something together where people can share their definition of “bipolar depression”
Love ya, too Sass!
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I’m so used to my depression that it’s not terrifying as much as an annoying inconvenience. Asshole depression.
I hope you start to feel the up and up. I’d LOVE to see that post and share. ❤
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My depression pisses me off, cos I know how good I can feel. I hey mostly mixed state hypomania /depression so I can’t sleep and I’m restless but awefully sad as well. Luckily it doesn’t last for longer than a week…
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I hope you come out of that soon!
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Thank you. It means a lot to me
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My wife often comments to me about “being useless” and me doing everything, wondering why I am still with here. It can be tough but as the “healthy” partner in the relationship, I am in it for who my wife is and not what I would like her to be. There will be those heavy blanket days (as Sass so eloquently puts it) and that is alright, because you will also have those fully engaged days too. When you have those fully engaged days, then it will be your opportunity to appreciate you family and all they do even more. Until those days come, hang tough and don’t be too hard on yourself.
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Beautiful Vic. Thank you. 🙂
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Vic I say that to my husband all the time when I’m depressed like this. It’s so hard for me to watch as he takes care of almost everything. It makes me feel worse because I want to be that equal partner and help out. I get exactly where your wife is coming from. But like you said there will be fully engaged days as well and I try and be as helpful as I can when they show up. That’s what I try to remember.
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Leslie you have been through so much, I think none of us could have reacted any different than you did. And you know what that’s OK we all just do the best we can. It’s called being human we all need to remember when that black cloud is hanging over us. I know it is hard to cut ourselves any slack when so depressed. So we will remind each other how much we are loved and needed. Hugs sweetie!
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Thanks Ava and thanks for reading and commenting….I really appreciate the feedback!
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Bipolar depression IS impervious to logic. No matter how much I or my husband tells me that I’m worth it and that I’m valuable, all I can think of is the time I waste sleeping and exhausted on the weekends. I have to go right back to work on Monday and it terrifies me. This week was a total nightmare and I left work early two days to come home and lie in my bed and cry under the covers when I could’ve been doing more.
I hope you can slowly find some strength and solace in your words the next time you are depressed. It may not help that much but reading stuff like this helps me out a lot. Thank you for writing it.
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Thanks Jess, I appreciate the kind comment. I’m glad I could help a little bit.
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The illness is impervious to logic, but we as human beings aren’t. There is still a part of us that can take a step back and say, “That’s the illness, not me.” But we have to work hard at developing that ability. You’ve done it in this post.
That’s where affirmations come in handy for me. I’ve got stuff stuck up all over my apartment to help me REMEMBER and to counteract the negative shit BP puts in my head. The one on my bathroom mirror–the one I see the most all day long:
“You are worth every moment of the struggle.”
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I have never done well with affirmations. I don’t know why. I’ve done the writing them down and putting them around the house thing. But, when I’m down and I look at them I just laugh bitterly and move on. I don’t know why that is.
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I get that. Maybe there’s another way to help develop that space between your real self and the illness. All I know is that crack is vital to me. The pain is still there, but much less suffering.
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You’re so right. Depression lasts as long as it lasts. There’s no pulling out of it. Certain things I can do to avoid/prevent it. But once it sinks it teeth in, there’s no looking back. And I’m so glad to hear someone talk about the all consuming exhaustion. Its something I battle with almost daily
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Oh the exhaustion is just ridiculous. Meanwhile, people are looking at you thinking “how can you possibly be so tired, you’ve done nothing all day” and my personal favorite “you’ve slept too much…that’s why you feel so tired”.
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OOh YES! The ‘you’ve slept too much’. Makes my blood boil
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