the existence of the world pisses me off today
My anxiety is really bugging me out. I HATE feeling like this and yet, at least once a week or so my whole being explodes into a hail of irritability and hate. Hate for being mental. Hate for having to function. Hate for not being able to sleep all day. Hate for people saying stupid things to me. (Are you making pork chops? No the process of cooking will automatically turn these to steak….asshole)
all I want to do is lay in bed and cry today
but I can’t because hubby is putting primer on the walls in the bedroom today
Plus, of course it’s Valentine’s Day and I should at least make a show of not being an asshole.
But, when I feel like this…well, making a show of not being an asshole take a LOT of work. Plus, I have resting bitch face, so everyone keeps saying “what’s wrong with you?” and let’s face it, when I feel like this….they don’t really want to know. So, I say “nothing, I have resting bitch face” (yes, it’s a thing)
There are triggers….My grandmother is going to be 97 at the end of the week and she fell and broke a rib the other day..but they don’t explain the degree to which to irritability extends. This is pretty much pissiness for the sake of pissiness. Which is really hard to control.
I want to feel good. I want to feel happy. I want to want to help my husband. I want to want to cook dinner and I really want to want to make a cake. But I don’t. Want to, I mean. It took everything to throw some pork chops in the crock pot this morning. And I will have to re-do that effort when it’s all done because we’re going to need noodles and a veggie.
When I feel like this, I feel like talking about it is just whining. That’s how I feel about it when it happens to me. When it happens to you, I think “good, get it out…oh my I can sympathize with that”. When it happens to me I’m being a whiner. Yes, I see that it is ridiculous. But I can’t help it.
I don’t even feel like I need an anti-anxiety pill. It’s not like I’m having a panic attack or even having the symptoms of one. And I hate to take them unless I really need them. But, it’s really hard for me to accept that these days of extreme irritability can be partially controlled with a klonopin. Don’t ask me why….I have no idea.
Anyway, I’m going to get through this “making dinner” thing and then lay around watching the Walking Dead marathon and the new episode tonight. Hopefully tomorrow I feel better.