Tags
anxiety, bipolar, coloring, coping skills, elderly parents, family health, gardening, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Panic Disorder, reading, triggers
Well, at least this time, I know why.
After everything that we have just gone through with hubby’s kids, it is now my family that is having problems.
My mother is a physical mess. Somewhere in the ancestral line is a cesspool of genetics, and my mother got a heaping helping of it. The amount of things that are wrong with her is long and intense, but there have been recent concerns about her heart.
My grandmother turns 97 in a couple weeks. Poppop died a year ago, and Mommom has been kind of wasting away ever since. They were married for 73 years when he passed and she doesn’t know how to be alone anymore.
My brother probably has brain damage. When things are too difficult for him to deal with, he goes out and acts like he is in the x-games. He’s crashed snowmobiles, cars, ATVs. You name it, he’s probably driven it like an asshole and crashed it. I suspect some bipolar in him, but I don’t know.
Yesterday, Dad passed out at an event at their local convention center. Thankfully, he was there with his next door neighbor/friend who is a doctor. He got him up and got him home. Why he was taken home instead of the hospital is beyond me. But he was taken home, put to bed, and his pulse and blood pressure were monitored. The initial thought is that he will need a pacemaker (his mother, the 96 year old mentioned above, has had one for 20 years or so).
I wasn’t actually able to speak to anyone yesterday. Mom instituted a “no call” policy while Dad was asleep and was talking to us (me and my brother) through text messages, which is not her strong suit.
I felt it in my stomach first. The butterflies. Little flutters that grew stronger quickly. Then, the tightness in my chest. The feeling like I can’t get a deep breath. That feeling like my skin just got extra sensitive. If you touch me, I will freak out.
Most of my writing has to do with my bipolar disorder, but I’m also diagnosed with a couple panic disorders and generalized anxiety disorder.
Sometimes, the hard part is determining whether what I am feeling is because of a true problem that should make me anxious, depressed….whatever, or if what I’m feeling is because of the illnesses I have.
In this particular case, it’s the circumstances. There is an actual problem here that deserves my concern and anxiety. We forget my father is 70. He takes care of Mom, he takes care of Mommom and to an extent he takes care of my brother. And now, something is happening with him. Nothing ever happens to him. The worst I’ve ever seen him is when he got hit in the eye with a baseball. But that wasn’t his body letting him down, that was an accident. Now, his body has let him down. And it’s terrifying to me.
The fact that I know why I’m so anxious is helpful. I can pin it down and say ‘this is why’. The hard part is keeping it under control and not letting it run away with me. And that hasn’t been a big part of my strong qualities. The other hard part is going to be getting my mother to tell me the truth. She doesn’t tell me stuff to protect me against anxiety and panic. This is a new version of my mother, only about a year old. I think that she has realized her mortality and decided it would be better to accept us as we are, rather than criticizing all the time. It’s a nice change, but I’m still quite wary.
The other trick here is to try to not let the anxiety and adrenaline that are currently present, lead me into a massive crash when the crisis is over. Also, to try to not snap at MIL when she comes home from visiting friends.
So, today is a day of coping skills. Blogging (yes, you may hear from me more than once today), coloring, tending to whatever might be growing in the greenhouse, playing games and if I’m super lucky…reading. If my coping skills are unsuccessful, and sometimes they are…I’ll find something on netflix to watch.
Thank God I got laundry done yesterday and there are leftovers for hubby’s dinner. *phew*
blahpolar said:
Is he the sort of person that you can discuss it with, when he’s feeling a bit stronger?
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Leslie said:
My Dad? Possibly. He’s not a talker, but I have been able to get more out of him recently.
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Matthew Malin said:
I’m sorry to hear that your family is not doing well in the health arena. I certainly hope that things get worked out quickly and I will try to remember you all in my prayers!
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Leslie said:
Thank you Matthew
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Drew Sheldon said:
I understand it helps to know the cause of your feelings, but I hope you keep in mind that your feelings are always valid regardless of the cause. You might try telling your mom that her trying to protect you from anxiety and panic actually makes it worse. At least that’s the case for me. Thinking people might not be telling me things is much more anxiety-inducing than knowing the truth.
So sorry to see more troubles coming your way. Good luck to you.
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Leslie said:
Thanks Drew. It’s definitely easier for me to be anxious or depressed and be able to point to something and say “that’s why”. But, I do know (although I often need reminding) that my emotions are always valid. Bipolar just screws with the intensity so bad.
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Billy said:
xxx
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Jess Melancholia said:
I’m so sorry you are going through all of this right now. I hope things work out and you are able to find ways to keep calm. It’ll be alright. You are going to come out of all this stronger person. Do what you need to do Leslie to help.
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Leslie said:
Thanks Jess
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dianetharp70 said:
I’m sorry Chicka, you’re goin though hell lately. Hugs Hugs n more Hugs
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Leslie said:
Thanks Diane
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Sandy Sue said:
And on the flip side of what Drew was saying, situational anxiety will torque the anxiety disorder and distorted thinking. Along with all your terrific coping skills, don’t forget those blessed PRN meds.
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Leslie said:
yep…legitimate emotion….skewed intensity
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Pieces of Bipolar said:
Oh left-overs to the rescue – always a huge relief. I’m sorry you’ve been going through such a hard time. You seem to have it all under control, awareness, coping skills – plans A,B, C and Netflix. All good steps in the right direction. Good for you!
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Leslie said:
Thanks Pieces! I appreciate you coming by to read and comment…I know you are having a hard time as well. xo
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Pieces of Bipolar said:
We all support one another, no matter the weather 😉
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