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Yesterday was a bit of a mess.

Today, I feel a little better, although I still woke up anxious, but this time I had my meds and didn’t have to wait for the pharmacy to open.

I went to pdoc yesterday.  The day before I had talked to Karen (therapist) about what I wanted to say to Dr. M.  Since the appointment is only 15 minutes, I try to go in as prepared as I can.  I, however, have never mentioned to her that I sometimes wake up anxious (well, more than sometimes) and as Blah said, I really need to start a list.

So talking to Karen, we decided that even though I have been having big swings in my moods, I have had a bunch of decent days and maybe that was good enough for my med resistant self.  That maybe now, we let the mood stabilizers do what they are doing and treat the rest of the episodes as they happen.

Dr. M. disagreed.  We talked about quality of life and I said that I was frustrated.  Nothing works for long.  I can’t take any of the new meds that are out and even failed the Zyprexa. I tolerate Lamictal at 100 mg, more than that affects my memory.  I tolerate Seroquel XR, but I am fighting the weight gain (all I want to do is eat), but it’s better at 200mg than 300mg.  It’s also ridiculously expensive until I meet my deductible.  Which, I will meet by the end of this month, but I can do payment plans with everyone except the pharmacy.

ANYway, Dr. M. decided that maybe an extra 50mg of Lamictal would help, except that I’ll take that extra bit in the morning instead of at night, hopefully avoiding any memory issues.  It’s only been 2 days, so I’m gonna have to give it a little time before I know if it’s a good change or not.

Yesterday, I spent the morning fighting myself to remain calm cool and collected as it was hubby’s birthday and I didn’t want to be a mess.  But, I was a mess.  People who do not fight these mental illnesses do not understand how difficult it is to pretend to feel fine.  Once hubby left for work, I collapsed into bed, sleeping until he came home.  I stayed up for about an hour with him, took my meds (slept right through med time) and slept till about 6:30.  So, I’ve had about 12 hours of sleep.  I’m getting WAY too much sleep these days.  Maybe Dr. M. is right.  Maybe I’m fighting a depression I’m not even seeing and the Lamictal will help.  I guess the next week or so will tell the tale.

On a good note, I colored my hair yesterday, which I haven’t done in I don’t even know how long.  My gray was grown all the way out.  So, at least I had a fleeting interest in my appearance yesterday.  Yay me!

This morning I have therapy.  So, I’ll get some of the frustration that I feel out while I’m there.  Therapy, for me, is pretty much only good as a vent session.  If I can’t get the moods under control, and so far there’s no indication that will ever happen, then we will never get a chance to work on anything deep.  We pretty much can only deal with what’s happening right this very instant.  But, why I feel the way I feel?  It’s hard to work on that when the moods are so far out of whack.

So, I guess the upshot is that I’m glad I feel better today.  I’m not thrilled that Dr. M added more Lamictal, but until I get disability approved, I have to be extremely compliant. I’m taking .5 mg of klonopin pretty much the second I get up, so I’ll have to start a list.  I should get one of those little day minder calendars to keep track.  Maybe then I won’t forget to make the list.

How are you feeling?  Does your pdoc listen to you?  Are you trying to be compliant for disability?  Tell me what’s going on with you!