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Today is sucking.  The depression is creeping in.

I’ve been away from home too long.  I miss hubby and can’t wait to see him.  One of my depression coping tools is my garden.  Right now my greenhouse is thriving and I’m not there to see it.  I’m missing my coping tool.

My grandmother is too old and sad and frail.  I remember the woman she was, even just a few years ago.  She’s lived in her retirement home for almost 30 years now but she has forgotten her way around.  We can talk some about when my brother and I were little, she remembers all of that, but she gets tired easily and can only really stand company for an hour or so.

And the crap with the kid’s mother that happened the other day is really wearing on me today.  I don’t know why it didn’t bother me yesterday and it’s bothering me today. But, today it’s really under my skin.  Along with that are the times that grandson (step) has asked why I have yelled at Mimi.  So she’s talking about me either near him or to him about me.  I yelled at her a year and a half ago (she totally deserved it) but grandson asked me last week about it….again.  I’d love to see him, but I just can’t bring myself to go over there.  I can’t deal with it…which makes me so sad.  I want to just suck up and I can’t.

I’ve been away from my therapist for too long.

And I’m isolating myself big time.  I have friends here.  I could be socializing.  But, I have only told one person that I’m here and I’m seeing her on Wednesday.  I think about calling someone, anyone, and making arrangements to get together, but I don’t want to.  I tell myself that I should, that I have a unique opportunity right now, but I don’t want to.  I don’t want to see anyone but Mommom.

I’ve been depressed for awhile now (stupid Bipolar depression) but I’m dropping a little bit right now.  Knowing that only makes it worse, quite frankly.  I wish I could just buck up a little bit.  Some of this is situational and if I could just get a little bit of a grip, I feel like I might be able to handle some of it  better  (like the situation with the mother and A) and then I might feel a little bit better.

All I want to do today is sleep.  The depression makes me feel physically ill, which doesn’t help matters either.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

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