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When I’m home in South Carolina, it’s easy to forget why we moved there.  There were multiple reasons, but for me, the overriding one was to reduce stress.  Slower pace of life and all that.  I’ve been in New Jersey for 2 weeks now and I’m over it.  The drama has been ridiculous and I had forgotten what it was like to live in the middle of it.

There was one more little jab this morning.  Apparently A went to the hospital the other day, right after I left her house.  And this morning she posted on Facebook that no one came to see her except her mom and her best friend.  And I find myself saying “I would have come” “I wish I’d known” “I would have taken you” “I would have stayed”…sigh.

This isn’t a jab at me personally.  Somewhere in there I know that.  But, my (bipolar, panic disordered, depressed etc.) brain is having trouble accepting that.  The anxiety is rising already.  I’ve practically begged for understanding that I would have been there had I known.  I sent a text the other day to see how she was feeling and she didn’t answer.  I just assumed she was working and then forgot.

The part of leaving that has me sad is, of course, my Mommom.  It’s been so great being able to see her so much during the last two weeks.  She’s failing, but we’ve had some really great visits.  I know that if she passes, I will feel good about having been here to see her over these last two weeks.   I go this afternoon for my last visit of this trip and I know I’m gonna bawl my eyes out when I leave.  I’m just hoping that I can hold it till I get to the car at least.

I did get to see some snow yesterday, which was fantastic, because we don’t get that in South Carolina, and I love it.

snow day

It was gone by the evening, but it was beautiful and I’m glad I got to see it.

So, there’s been great, good, bad and ugly.

Why am I always more affected by the bad and the ugly?  Why can my stupid brain not focus on the great and the good?

Crap

 

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