Therapy this morning. Therapy is almost always useful for me, even when I think it’s not. Even if I’m just running my mouth, Karen is taking notes, and those notes will come back to me in the form of questions when I’m able to shut up long enough to listen to one.
I’ve been in my hypomania phase for about 4 days now. I can’t remember anything (even worse than normal) because my brain is running too fast. I said to Karen this morning that I’ve read a lot of blogs where the writer enjoys this phase. They are able to draw, paint, write. And, I’m jealous. But, I realized that when I’m hypo….I bake. Complicated baking. The cake I’m working on now takes three days to make because components of it have to be refrigerated for 12 hours before you can move to the next step. And I’m doing it well. It’s a four layer lemon cake and I can’t wait to have a slice. But that can’t happen till tomorrow. Because it won’t be done till then.
But I start to worry. What if I crash overnight and can’t deal tomorrow? Therapy today was full of my worries of crashing into depression, when would it happen, and how deep will it go? All of the questions are, of course, unanswerable at this point. I’ll only know when it happens.
I do know that I’m not flying as high with this hypo phase as I usually would. The tegretol must be working. So the hope would be that the crash won’t be as bad either. But, I’m having trouble sleeping, even with the sleeping pills. I’ve had more than one crash into depression that announced itself with 24 hours of sleep. The racing thoughts….oh good Lord, the racing thoughts. I can only hope that this post is making sense because it’s taking forever to write because I keep losing my train of thought. Depression is when I can write.
Anyway, here’s hoping that the horrible crash of depression is held off a little while longer and I get to finish my cake!