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I don’t feel real today.

I’ve heard things over the last 24 hours that can’t be real.  It’s not possible that my father told my brother he should have just killed himself.

That can’t be real.

I only slept for 2 hours last night so it must be skewing my memory.

Hubby is bent out of shape that the bipolar has shifted into depressed gear.  He doesn’t understand why my mood should change on a dime for no reason whatsoever.  I’m with him on that.

Now he’s more bent out of shape because my parents are starting up again.

Except that according to my brother, they have been on him for awhile.  I’ve been in a state of reprieve that I mistook for growth and acceptance.  How do I keep messing that up?

I’m depressed.

I’m unbelievably sad.

I’m anxious that my parents will call and I will need to talk to them about this.

I’m furious that I’ve been fooled.  Again.

I’m exhausted.  Partly from lack of sleep, partly from depression.

I want to cry.

I hope I don’t cry because I may never stop.

The suicidal ideation always creeps in during these times and I don’t know how to stop it.

I’m safe.

But I’m so very very very low today.