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If you haven’t read I’m so stupid, or Standing on the edge you should before you read this.  I don’t have the stomach to repeat it right now, but you will need to know that before you read this.  Don’t worry, it’s short!  : )

I had a conversation with my therapist this morning about how does one exactly go about getting diagnosed with a narcissistic disorder.  I mean, they’re not about to come running to a shrink and say “I have mental problems!!!!!”  Although apparently every so often that does happen and the narc will try to outmaneuver the shrink to prove how smart they are. She kind of left it there because she (obviously) wanted to hear what was going on with my parents and my brother and me.

So I told her of the ill-fated phone call, the phone call that was guaranteed to fail from the outset.  Because these type of calls ALWAYS fail with my parents.  They are no more likely to take responsibility then I am to grow wings.  I told her of my mother’s lies, and I told her of my father’s blasé attitude towards my anger over him telling my brother he should have just committed suicide.

I told her about the story my brother and SIL had heard from a close family friend of the time my parents went to the friend’s house.  I was in a crib upstairs screaming bloody murder and my mother refused to check on me.  I told her about that friends opinion that my parents should never have been allowed to have children.

And my therapist said that she now understood why I have a hard time seeing my worth.

I came home and a few hours later the email I knew would come, came. A loooong email.  I caught her in 3 lies and at first when I was responding to her I addressed those three glaring problems.  But, then I realized that none of that mattered.  The only thing that mattered was that my father told my brother that he should have killed himself.

I responded thusly:

 Often when someone is suicidal they need to be forced to get help.  They need an action plan.  And they need people around them who won’t think that they are twisted and evil.  A year and a half ago when I was hospitalized it was because I wanted to kill myself, because I felt that Hubby would be better off without the mentally ill wife.  I was planning on driving my car into a tree and try to make it look like an accident so he would get the large life insurance policy he has on me through work.  This way he wouldn’t have to deal with the illness and would have the money to pay off the house and not worry about bills.  My therapist forced me to go to treatment. And when I was released Hubby wouldn’t let me drive myself anywhere for quite awhile.  
 
The time I was hospitalized before that I also wanted to kill myself.  I told BFF and she called Hubby and they took me to the hospital.  
 
When someone tells you the want to kill themselves and even have a plan you  DO NOT IGNORE IT and you absolutely DON’T TELL THEM TO GO AHEAD AND DO IT.  
He has brain damage and he absolutely suffers from depression and anxiety if not something more.  So if you can’t do better then tell him to go ahead and kill himself, then you should step out of his way.  Because it really doesn’t matter what you do for him, if you can’t help him WANT to live or at least get him to someone who can than you are NOT helping.
I know that there are more than one side to every story, but the part I’m worried about right now is the part where my brother wants to kill himself.  Because the story that you tell and the story that Brother tells are vastly different.  Vastly.  So I can’t concern myself with any part of the story except the part that I know is true, and the part, that quite frankly, makes me sick.  I’m not trying to upset you but I’m BEYOND furious right now.  
She wrote back, straight up telling me that since they aren’t his wife, there’s nothing they can do.
And I refuse to write her back.   I said my peace and I’m not getting sucked into this anymore than I have to.  It always ends badly so it may as well end now.
I’m talking with SIL and Brother and trying to make sure that things there are ok, because that is the part that matters.
Of course, my Bipolar and Anxiety are all OVER the freaking place.  But, at least I can console myself with the fact that a majority is triggered and will subside once the triggers do.
I did get to work on my garden today and that was very therapeutic.  I will soon be eating peas straight from the garden!  I can’t wait!
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