Trigger alert for suicide
The word depression is really starting to give me a headache. NIMH defines it thusly: Depression (major depressive disorder or clinical depression) is a common but serious mood disorder. It causes severe symptoms that affect how you feel, think, and handle daily activities, such as sleeping, eating, or working. To be diagnosed with depression, the symptoms must be present for at least two weeks.
Whatever
The word has become synonymous with “bummed out” as in “I’m so depressed that the grocery store is out of grapes”.
This is why, when those of us suffering from severe depression try to talk to our friends and family members about it, we are often met with cries of “push through it”, platitudes about feeling only as good as we are willing to feel and, my particular favorite, “you don’t have anything to be depressed about”.
This morning my bipolar despair, as I would like to officially rename it, hit a serious low. Hubby was stressed about work and upset that I can barely get it together. We ended up fighting, not because either of us was mad at the other, but because of the frustration and stress we are so consistently under, courtesy of my Bipolar disorder. He was stressed from work, I was stressed from trying to not be stressed and to act like I was fine. He can’t remember the last time he saw me smile, I can’t understand how he doesn’t remember last week. He wants to know when I can stop putting all of these poisonous pills into my body (or at least when are they going to start working) and I can’t understand why he doesn’t remember that they will never work well enough and that’s why I’m trying to get disability
And I begin to go downhill…fast. Because now I’m thinking that I’m more trouble than I’m worth. Why would he want me around if I am making his life so hard? Does he want a divorce? Where will I go?
Maybe I should just take a handful of pills.
And there it is. This is the second time in the last month that suicide has come unbidden into my thoughts. The last time there was no plan. Just a thought that everything was so damn hard and that maybe everyone would be better off without me.
Today, I skipped the part where I thought it might be an option and skipped immediately to planning. When will I do it? Which pills do I have enough of? How many will I need to do the job?
And then I stopped. A picture of my not quite 5 year old step-grandson has come into my mind. I hear him asking “Where’s Grammy?” when we get together with family next month. And I know I have to keep it together.
I stay outside. I manage to get ahold of my therapist, who is, thankfully, able to see me at 1:00. Hubby has agreed to go if I can get an appointment, but 1:00 is too late, he has to be at work. He will go to my regular appointment on Tuesday.
I leave the house early to go to my impromptu appointment. Sitting outside her office playing Candy Crush is safer than being at home. Being home could bring more fighting, more suicidal thoughts and I don’t want either.
True to form, Karen is able to make some sense of the craziness in my head. She helps me make a straighter line out of the gibberish happening in there. And she reminds me, because I need reminding, that my husband loves me and wants me.
It is during this session that I decide that I do not wish to use the term bipolar depression anymore. It’s not strong enough. Not intense enough. I am in despair. I’m not bummed out, I’m desperate. Desperate to not feel anguish. Desperate to feel true happiness. Desperate to feel useful. I’m not experiencing the same depression that everyone does on occasion. This is bigger. Worse.
And it’s never going to go completely away. It will ebb. I will move into more of a baseline position, maybe experience some mania or hypomania, but I will come back to this place. The goal is to not come ALL the way back. Or at least stay here for less time.
Hubby will go to therapy with me next week. He will need to get on with the business of realizing that I am doing my absolute best. And I will need to get on with realizing that he is, too.
dianetharp70 said:
*** I’M glad you reached out n got possibly life saving help. I like that phrase despair, it’s fitting. Suicide, hmmm the fact that I’ve had 2 failed attempts, albeit so very close including life support measures, my family being told to say goodbye. (Several other less complicated tries),,, I understand what you’re saying. Breathing wasn’t an option for me, such desparity. Not depression. (Let some cocksucker try n steal THAT description ~> bipolar DESPAIR.
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Leslie said:
I am, too Diane. I know that the people who tell us to calm down, breathe, or whatever mean well, but it’s not helping the brain. It doesn’t work on the chemical imbalance or damage or whatever is going on in there.
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dianetharp70 said:
& I hope you’re feeling a little better, HUGS Chicka! !
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Leslie said:
I am…thanks!
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Life Mutated said:
Suicidal ideation is never fun and your description of ‘desperation’ fits the bill perfectly. I hate it with a passion but for me it’s a common occurrence. When I am mentally stressed however, it becomes so more dangerous. When all else fails to drown the mental anguish, your mind starts trying to go into auto mode and that’s when the plans become reality. You end up as a voyeur to your own actions, not having the care to stop it, let alone the will.
I was just planning my latest post around depression and how it is marginalized by normal people >.<
I entirely understand the frustration around the misuse of the word but what you have to keep in mind is that everyone gets depressed, not just us. Depression is a natural state. It's when the chemicals in our brains mix in the wrong quantities that you get 'Clinical' depression or Bipolar depression as you call it. Our natural depressive moods becomes hyper-depression instead of just the normal 'bumbed out' that it should be and the other episodes is irrational and with neither rhyme nor reason.
Hold on to the thoughts that keeps you grounded.
We know that we are worth it, even though our mind says otherwise.
We know that we mean something in this world, even though we don't see it.
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Leslie said:
Yeah the misuse of the word really gets me. The word itself has become nearly useless except in a clinical setting.
I’ll be interested to read your post! And thanks for your support
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Jess Melancholia said:
You ARE doing your best Leslie!! Don’t give in. Don’t give up. Your life has so much purpose you don’t even realize. And I’m not trying to say that to be cliché but I honestly truly feel that way. Every single person has someone who cares about them and you are more than well loved. I want you to sit back and think long and hard about how hurt your family members and friends would be if you let the depression take you. Please just write it all down. The good and the dark. And tell me why you are still here? Why are you blogging about this? If you really wanted to end it then you would’ve by now. What you want is a break from the fighting and the chaos. That’s it. Don’t let that cloud your judgement. I want you to look deep inside and tell yourself why you are still here. Once you figure that out, suicide won’t be an option anymore. Trust me. It helps me everytime. Death isn’t the answer. It never is.
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Leslie said:
You’re awesome Jess. And everything you said is absolutely right. I know it’s not the answer, and I know my husband would be devastated. That is so difficult to see when you are stuck down deep in the middle of it though.
But, I blog about it in hopes that I help someone. Even just one person. And also to try to make someone who doesn’t have these issues understand, even if it’s just a little tiny bit. A glimpse into the mind of a person who is fighting this battle could spread awareness. I may not be doing that now, but I hope that someday I can.
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tempestjoy said:
My heart aches for you. It’s not only a hard place to be, but harder still that so few understand. You mentioned that the pills will never work well enough and that it’s never going to go completely away. I may be reading too much into that, but if you believe that, It sounds like a sign you have completely given up, which is definitely as dangerous as suicidal ideation, or that you’ve been told that, which frightens me even more. I can see by your archives you’ve been blogging for a while, so I feel bad that I haven’t read from the start, as I don’t want to waste your time with ideas you’ve probably already tried, but I do believe you can get to a place that is stable and that you can experience real joy…not mania, by genuinely feel good. I’m not the best example of that, because I self-inflict a lot, but I’ve done so much research on fellow brain different’s that I’ve come to believe it really is possible. I hope I can share that belief with you somehow. I will see if I can find some information that maybe you haven’t come across yet. Don’t run off on me now! 🙂 ❤
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Leslie said:
I’m not going anywhere Tempest. Thanks so much for your kind words. I have been evaluated by multiple doctors and have been pronounced treatment & med resistant. But, I don’t give up. I take my meds every day, I go to therapy at least twice a week and my pdoc is always trying new meds to try to find the magic combo for me. So, I don’t give up. But, I have to try to stay realistic as well. Testing reveals that I’ve been depressed and anxious since childhood. And bipolar has probably been present for at least 20 years, even though it has only been diagnosed within the last couple years.
My sense of worth has always been tied to my working self, and I can’t do that anymore. And that’s extremely depressing for me. I’ve put coping skills into place, I take my meds, I go to therapy. I do everything that the doctors ask of me. I’m putting everything I have into living. But, I am certainly having issues with the amount that my life has changed. There are triggers (my MIL moved in with us a year and a half ago). I have briefly hit a sort of baseline here and there, which always seems to be tinged with anxiety, but it’s great when I’m there.
I’m definitely trying. I want to hang in there. Hubby is going to therapy with me on Tuesday which is fantastic.
Thanks for your support!
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tempestjoy said:
You are certainly working on your health more than most and I have faith it will someday payoff. I’m glad you are hanging in there and hubby is participating in therapy. Someday when you find the right combo, you will certainly be a beacon of hope for with treatment and medication resistance. Hugs ❤
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Leslie said:
Thanks Tempest. I appreciate the support!
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Sandy Sue said:
There’s no way around the horrible despair that comes, so ALL the management you did OF it is truly incredible.
I happen to be in this place, too, and management is exhausting. I also get furious at the folks who blow off “depression” and use my own term, too. “Brain-sick” is a term no normal knows how to denigrate (yet) and gives them a satisfying slap upside the head. Sometimes I just need to slap normal people.
The BEST is that your husband will go to therapy with you. He needs to keep doing this until he can be part of the solution (I know he really already is, but he’s got a lot of self-care and processing to do if he thinks you’re going to get over BP).
And keep on that Disability path. So many services and supports open up when that gets in place (as well as the pittance of money, but every dollar helps, too).
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Leslie said:
Karen mentioned yesterday that hubby has not begun to mourn the person that I was. He has not begun to accept that she isn’t coming back. He may need his own therapist once a month to vent.
I really like the term brain-sick. It’s a perfect description because it’s exactly what the problem is. Our brains are sick. And as of now, no one has come up with a reasonable way to cure them.
I think a lot of yesterday was frustration on hubby’s part. Therapist pointed out that it’s so easy to see when someone is miserable, but when someone is happy it’s easy to overlook because that is the state we expect them to be in.
My disability payment will make our mortgage and car payment which will take a HUGE relief off of our budget. We live cheap, so it won’t take much (which is good cause that’s exactly what I’ll get!)
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Sandy Sue said:
Does that mean you actually, finally, got approved for Disability? Oh, joyous day (or not-as-awful day)!
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Leslie said:
No *sigh* not yet. I’m still waiting for them to assign a hearing date. But, they did tell me how much it would be, if I were to get it.
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Sandy Sue said:
Bastards
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Leslie said:
yup
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Pieces of Bipolar said:
Ohgod, I hear you Leslie. It was not so long ago I was a bottom-feeder in the pool of suicide planning. I understand that despair and anguish. The darkness you see no light to get out of. What I learnt is, eventually you do float back up to the top. You don’t have to swim or put in any effort. Bipolar is in control. But you WILL float back up to the surface, you will follow the tide of bipolar. You are strong and resilient and your husband loves you dearly. If he didn’t fight or feel frustrated, now THAT would mean he didn’t love you. I know this is desperately hard and I am thinking of you and sending you much love ❤
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Leslie said:
It’s interesting because today I feel pretty good. And hubby is being super patient with me. It’s almost like when I have these super horrible days, all that nasty energy gets expelled and I get one lovely day as a reward.
I know that man loves me, you’re right, he wouldn’t get nearly as frustrated if he didn’t. And I love that he is willing to go to therapy with me.
Thank you so much for the kind words and the love..I appreciate them a great deal.
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anthromichelle said:
I hope this weekend brings a moment of peace and clarity. ❤
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Leslie said:
Thanks Michelle!
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cbell5 said:
Normal is overrated 😞
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Leslie said:
lol
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~Christina~ said:
Is it? It has been so long…..lol
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Leslie said:
I have realized in my last couple therapy sessions that I’m not sure if I’ve ever been normal (or typical as some prefer) I had a suicide attempt at 14, so there has always been major depression in my life, I just never really thought about it much
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bipolardepressionfight said:
I am glad you shared, follow my fight to battle bipolar depression http://www.mybattletoreturnfrombipolardepression.com
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Leslie said:
I’ll take a look – thanks!!!
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Up and Down the Rabbit Hole said:
Spot on – I am sharing an article soon, which I have written that echos what you have written. I think many people feel the same as we do in relation to the misunderstanding arising from the current depiction of neurological illnesses. Please try to stay as objective as possible while you are here in what I call the ‘rabbit hole’ (trying to lighten things up in the world of Bipolar as a blog), Your article began desperate, but you have every inclination you are going to beyond the despair and with the help of your loved ones and therapist you will reach the other side. You spoke about knowing you will come out of it, as you have before. You know that the thoughts and feelings are temporary, even when they feel so flipping permanent. The state we find ourselves in when we are feeling so much pain compounds us, like a permanent blur of fog, unable to lift and we are overridden by emotions and seek a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Emotions always tend to take us on a knee jerker, but like an argument, you can do something you regret. Patience, Peace, Hope and Love are your friends take yourself away to another room if you have outside negativity, something you arn’t going to be resilient enough to handle right now. You will get through this, everything is fluid, we are made up mainly by water and like the storms that come from within there, hides a big bright happy sun that is always there in you, patiently waiting for those clouds to pass over. xx
I sincerely wish you a speedy recovery. Here I am after three months of encountering another rabbit hole, now I am smelling the daisies, and so will you xx Hope you can stop by and read my latest blog
http://goo.gl/9ctxa2 with warmth and wishes 🐇🐇@UDtherabbithole xx
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Leslie said:
Thanks so much for reading and commenting. I really appreciate it. I will definitely stop by and see what happening on your blog!
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Up and Down the Rabbit Hole said:
ty x
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