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I have to do something about my psychiatrist.

Yes, I have treatment resistant bipolar disorder.  I sort of, kind of, accept that.  (Karen, my therapist, calls it radical acceptance…I can accept it, but still hate it)  I understand that bipolar disorder is a hit and miss game of chance with medications.  Some work, most don’t, dosages need to be adjusted, the possible combinations are endless and we can be up against a deadline of suicidal ideation or potentially seriously risky mania behaviors.

So, what’s a bipolar gal to do?  I go to therapy twice a week, I see my psychiatrist as often as I can, I write and I take my meds.  Now, there are nights where I will sit and look at my pill caddy for 45 minutes just trying to talk myself into taking them.  But I always do. Always.


Pills pills pills pills pills

I’ve stuck with my psychiatrist for a long time.  She’s very well respected in the area in which I live.  Karen, thinks Dr. M is great.  The hospital I was in a year and a half ago loves her.  The psychologist I saw for testing knows of her.

But, I feel like she’s kind of checking out during our session.  Two weeks ago she asked if I was still taking Lamictal.  Seriously?  Don’t you know that?  SHOULDN’T you know that? The computer right in front of her presumably has my chart on it.  Maybe she’s playing solitaire.

Fast forward to today.  I was going back for a med check for a new med she put me on called Deplin.  It’s activated folic acid.  According to their website, 70% of depressed people can’t activate folic acid so the body can use it properly.  So this medicine is supposed to help with that.  Today was my check in day to make sure it’s working properly (it’s not, what else is new).  At the end of the appointment, she was filling out my refills and asked me if I was still taking Lamictal.


Still, no.  Still thinking that you should know that.

So, I left and went to the grocery store.  When I got there I called CVS to tell them not to fill the Deplin.  I have found anecdotal evidence on how to control my side effects, but if it doesn’t work, I’m not paying for a prescription I won’t be taking.  The amount of samples I have left are enough to tell the tale.  The pharmacist says no problem, do I still want the Neurontin and Lamictal filled?


What the hell?

In two weeks I go on vacation and in three I go back to see her.  And between now and then I have to decide what to do.