So sad

I took our little kitty Leila to the vet yesterday because she was once again sick and peeing on the floors.  It appears that she has kidney disease and that she was only going to get worse as time went by.

So I made the decision to put her down.  Put her to sleep.  Euthanize her.

None of those descriptions feels adequate.  Every time I’ve had to do this, the next day I’m crying my eyes out because I feel as though I killed my cat or dog.

And it takes time for me to come around from that.

But, while I’m in the moment, talking to the vet, weighing options, I feel as though I’m making a decision for her that she is counting on me to make, because she isn’t capable.  If I don’t do this, life for her is suffering until she finally dies a painful death.  I can make it easy.  I can make it painless.

And now, the only one who is suffering is me.  From sadness.  From second guessing.  But, it will pass and eventually I will trust in my decision again.

But, not today