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So, we’re back from vacation.  I would have liked vacation to feel like vacation.  It had it’s moments, certainly, and I’m trying to hold onto those moments as hard as I can.  But those moments were times when I separated from family to take a nap.  There were so many of us that I spent most of the time overwhelmed.

After vacation, J has moved in with us.  Since we only have 2 bedrooms, he is sleeping on the couch, which means he is ALWAYS in front of me.  Unless I go hide in my room, which I have been doing the last few days.

J is lazy.  He always has been.  He’s wicked smart and incredibly creative, writing poetry and songs and even some drawing.  He’s incredibly funny and will have a houseful of guests laughing their asses off when so inclined.  He has a good kind heart.  But, the laziness is nearly all consuming with him these days.  He’s been living with The Mother and rarely working.  Since there were never any repercussions, all he had to do was hang on through being yelled at and then he could go lay down.  The last job he had, he exited in a blaze of glory high off his ass on heroin and straight into rehab.  He has not kept up with NA, he refuses therapy, although his depression is what got him into this mess to start with.

Now The Mother has moved in with A and taken K with her, but J is not welcome there as he cannot contribute financially and everyone is quite worried about drug relapse.

So, he’s here, living on my couch in my living room, laying around because he has nothing else to do.  He is not motivated enough to just go look for something that needs to be done (Like his laundry…ugh) and applies only for jobs hubby finds for him.

This situation is working my last nerve.  I’m in the process of tapering off Tegretol and starting Lithium which has me stressed anyway.  I hate switching meds and I’ve been avoiding Lithium, but I just am out of choices right now.

On top of that, I have not made peace with the fact that I cannot work.  I keep thinking that it’s only a matter of time, although time is proving over and over and over again that the meds stop working for me after a few months, without fail.  So living with someone who CAN work, but is too lazy to do so, is making me very angry.

On top of that, J has come to us with a wisdom tooth that is cracked and crumbling and needs an oral surgeon to remove it.  Since he never applied for health insurance (even though he received help and instructions from the social worker at rehab) it’s going to have to be paid for in cash.  And guess who doesn’t have cash?  So hubby and I are going to end up paying for this, because hubby can’t stand to see J suffer, even though it’s been like this for at least 6 months and J could have dealt with it if he would only get motivated!

AAAARRRGGHHHHH

I told Karen yesterday during therapy that I fully expect this situation to eventually end up sending me to the hospital.  I hope against hope that this is not true…that the Lithium mans up and helps me cope better.  But this kid is pushing my triggers…he’s jumping on them.  I know it’s not intentional, but I also hate to give him even an inch because he’s so adept at taking the mile.

One day at a time….although my living room already smells like old spice … gak.

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