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Hiding in my room is quickly becoming my only option.
J is testing the boundaries of my medication on an hourly basis and I gotta say, the meds aren’t holding up too well. He’s a trigger like none I have ever encountered.
Add to that the fact that hubby is tired of hearing me complaining and it’s gone from bad to worse. Hubby says he works all night (I said ‘lucky you, you get to leave’) and deals with crap there, then he comes home and gets bombarded here. And, I have to say, just for the record, that I DO understand what he’s saying, but it’s constant for me, too. And J is not my kid!
Yesterday he got his wisdom teeth out. On our dime of course. I was able to take out on of those CareCredit cards that I always see at the vet. Apparently they are not just for dogs and cats anymore. You can use them in numerous places, including, lucky us, the dentist and oral surgeon. So now I have a brand spanking new credit card debt to the thune of $2300.00. Yes, he is supposed to pay us back when he has a job, but I’m not holding my breath.
He trashed me and hubby on Facebook yesterday because we wouldn’t give him the serious narcotic pain killers, because he is, in fact, a recovering drug addict, and he got that way through pain pills. But, yesterday I knuckled under and gave him one pill. Because I had to. For MY sanity, I had to. I didn’t want to, but I had to.
And I went to my room and cried and cried and cried, while the now Mr Happy-go-Lucky, played video games and went out to our little above ground pool and whatever else he did.
MIL comes home today. As long term followers of this blog know, MIL and I have serious differences of opinion when it comes to how to treat “her baby”. However, now, I can’t wait for her to get home. I need a buffer so badly and she’s perfect at that. Plus, she and I agree on a lot of the things that are going on with J, so it’ll be nice to have an ally.
And hubby’s not a bad guy. Today will be his 15th day in a row at work, trying to earn the extra money we need to feed another person. He’s just as overwhelmed as I am, but he handles it by getting annoyed. I handle it by getting either pissed off or crying.
My therapist is on vacation. I don’t like her replacement. So, no therapy until next week, which sucks. I need to vent. I’m planning on having hubby come to the second appointment next week, so we can get sorted out.
I pretty much know what Karen is going to say, which happens when you are going to the same therapist for years. She’s going to listen. She will understand why I feel the way I do, and she will help me find a coping mechanism to deal with it.
It would be cool to have one of those big punching bags that I could just go crazy on when someone pisses me off. But I hear those are expensive and I just got a big pile of debt on J’s wisdom teeth.
SassaFrassTheFeisty said:
Oh dear. Hugs hugs hugs
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Leslie said:
Thanks Sass. I’m gonna just construct a fort blankie in my room and live there.
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SassaFrassTheFeisty said:
You gotta do what you need to do to stay sane. Shall I bring coloring books?
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Leslie said:
I actually have quite a lot of them…plenty to go around!
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SassaFrassTheFeisty said:
Oh goody! I’m coming over. What shall I bring for beverages??
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Leslie said:
vodka…lots and lots of vodka
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SassaFrassTheFeisty said:
Okie dokie!
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blahpolar said:
Sorry mate, things sound rough
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Leslie said:
Thanks Blah. yeah quite rough
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the-reluctant-parent said:
big hugs to you Leslie. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to put my head or my fists through a plate glass window (the sound of shattering glass is very cathartic to me) or hit something else more valuable, like the stand of wine glasses that the wife never uses just because I’ve been so pissed off at one of the kids because they don’t listen or don’t do the one thing I ask of them without either a significant delay in doing the job or complaint of “Can’t I do it after this tv show” or whatever.
Sometimes and it’s not often because I don’t compose music when the kids are awake because I need to hear everything since I can’t see anything, but there are times when I’ll just put some super cool effects on the piano sound and pound the hell out of the keyboard, certainly not enough to break it but enough where those keys are getting used sufficiently.
I was in therapy for a while after my daughter was born and I haven’t really gone into any of that on my own blog, though I still have the journal entries from that time nearly 6 years ago and I’m not on any medications and I wonder if meds might help a little?
What would happen if you took away his video games and computer so he’d have to get off his lazy ass, hit the pavement and look for a job like a lot of us had to in the old days? I would suggest taking away the video gaming system for a couple of hours so that he has to focus on finding and applying for jobs online but he’d probably use the computer for the same shit. I suppose the other option would be to change the account settings so that he could only visit job sites on the system, no world of Warcraft, no fallout4, no nothing except employment sites.
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Leslie said:
I’d love to do that, but I’m the step-parent, not the parent, so I always get told I’m too harsh, let it go-it’ll get done, etc etc. And God forbid the Mother finds out that I’m holding one of her kids to a standard! She’s already slammed me in public so many times I cannot even count. If I were mentally healthier, I could find a way to not let that all bother me, but I’m not. And it does.
Thanks so much for commenting! I really appreciate it!
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Jess Melancholia said:
Hugs!
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Leslie said:
Thanks Jess
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anthromichelle said:
Not that it’ll help all that much, but here’s a virtual hug for you *hug* and I really hope you find something lovely in today. With some color and some happiness. I’m sorry things are a bit of a mess, but you can cry here and we will all listen. ❤
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Leslie said:
Thanks Michelle…it means a lot
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anthromichelle said:
Of course. 🙂
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morgueticiaatoms said:
I feel you on this one. The donor used to come home from work and ask how my day went…So I’d usually tell the truth. Neighbors were noisy, panic attacks, too hot, kid won’t mind…And rather than take it as “this is what happened”…he saw it as some full on verbal assault and guilt slapped me with, “Why don’t you go to work and I will stay home?”
Not the point, but you can’t tell a man that. Their wiring makes them perceive everything as a problem to be solved rather than just listening with some empathy.
I think it’s that way for everyone. Only difference being…our mental health deteriorates when we’re under pressure even in our safe space thus we’re not having a chance to “heal” let alone “not working”.This is work.
It’s quite insulting to see those who give ZERO effort get coddled while we try so hard only to take so much shit.
I’m bringing a Z Whacker to the blankie fort. Let J piss me off. I got no problem beating up grown children. It’s called….therapy.
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Leslie said:
lol you’re awesome Morgue. Hubby actually did listen to some of the things that I had to say today. They were extreme things that needed to be dealt with. And when I was done telling him, I told him that I spent 4 hours crying yesterday over all this. It’s too much stress on everyone, and I get that, but like you said our mental health changes things from “pain in the ass” to “meltdown”. I’m working on it.
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morgueticiaatoms said:
It sounds to me like you have a good balanced relationship with hubby. For some reason, the donor got it in his head that I was going to be deferential to him to the point of choosing him over our child…No wonder it didn’t work.
You guys are lucky to have each other.
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Leslie said:
Thanks Morgue. We usually are on the same page. It sucks when we’re not, but all in all we are lucky.
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avaswan said:
I feel your pain Lesli ed!We all understand and care about you. Keep venting to us all you need to. Your room is the safest place to be if he triggers you. Let MIL deal with him for awhile and be the bad guy.
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Leslie said:
Thanks Ava. MIL will take very little shit which is a good thing
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Bradley said:
Sounds like really tough times. I hope it all works out quicker than you think.
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Leslie said:
Thanks! It’s going a lot better now actually.
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Pieces of Bipolar said:
It must be very difficult when its not your own child. Things sound chaotic and unpredictable when stability and routine are the things you need to manage bipolar. ((hugs)) to you Leslie
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Leslie said:
Thanks Pieces. hubby and I are currently having a small fight over differing opinions on how to deal with an addict
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Pieces of Bipolar said:
Ohhhhh gosh. Addicts. Its a hard road, nothing but a minefield. I can empathise because of my own personal struggles with addicts. You have my cyberspace support, Leslie. It can’t be good for your health or your marriage. Don’t forget to breathe…. ((hugs)) ❤
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Leslie said:
Thanks Pieces! I really appreciate it the support! This is only going to get harder.
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Pieces of Bipolar said:
I’m here whenever you need. Just give me a holla (email piecesofbipolar@yahoo.com. Anytime for anything. I know how hard it is
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Leslie said:
Thanks so much!
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