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Why can’t I cope? I go to therapy twice a week. I’m an intelligent woman. I take the two required handfuls of pills each day. I go get my blood drawn to check for lithium toxicity. I do EVERYTHING I am supposed to do.
And I’m a mess. Yes there are abnormal events happening right now with the stepson living here. But I have learned to try to step back, before I get really upset. Useless right now.
I have learned to come here and write. I haven’t been here in days.
Hubby went to therapy with me this morning and I thought that we would figure out a plan for dealing with J. What I learned is that he believes I’m barely capable of taking care of myself let alone dealing with a drug addict.
So I went completely the other way and locked anything of value that would fit, in our safe. Fuck it. Now I can leave my room and not feel like my stuff could be gone through. It still could…it’s just that there’s nothing to find.
Not a long post today. I don’t know why I’m having so much trouble hanging on. I swear to God, I’m gonna end up in the hospital before this is over.
Normal is out there 
Just a thought…but what about not letting someone on drugs live with you?
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Well, that would be the obvious choice of course, but J is my stepson and my husband made the decision to have him move in. I have to deal with the situation that I’m in. I can’t change it
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Leslie what did your therapist say when he said that? I hope she took up for you. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Has MIL ridden his butt for doing nothing? I think I would tell husband since you think I can’t handle it good, then you handle him! It would be hard for anyone to handle what you are going through. Don’t be so hard on yourself I think you are hanging in there well considering you have a lazy slob living on your couch. Hugs sweetheart!
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Thank you Ava. I am actually trying really hard to walk away from the situation, but it’s not going to be easy. I’m just feeling like I’m in a bad place right now. I have no control, no say, and yet, I have to sit and look at him all day.
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I know exactly that is how I felt for 15 yrs. with my step adult living with us. I felt my husband would get rid of me before he would his son. It is difficult for you and offer you hugs sweetie.
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OMG that’s EXACTLY how I feel!
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Horrible position to be in.
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Yes, it really is. Thanks Kitt
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i hate how sometimes shit just sucks and nothing we do seems to or even can help. sometimes we are a bit powerless. just keep trying to hold yourself together. that is what is most important and that is the best anyone can expect you to do under such stressful conditions.
i’m struggling with my coping skills myself. i’m here with you.
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Thank you! Power to us!
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First, a huge hug for you, thinking of you and wishing you a speedy resolution. I have so many thoughts on this. My analytical bipolar brain is itching to present itself. I may be way off but here it goes:
1) Hubby is fraught with guilt. Guilt is a major emotion fuelling his actions and decisions. By agreeing to let J live with you (all) he feels ‘less’ guilty about the way things are – the fact that J is an addict and not living his potential as a human being, but as an extention of HIMSELF. It’s like a mirror. If his son is fucked then he’s fucked.
2) Desperation. We all do things that might go against logic and reason when we feel desperate. Hubby feels desperate to change J’s life – even if it means fucking up his relationships with everyone else.
Desperation is saying “Dear Leslie, don’t take it personally, but I’m running the show here. With love, Desperation.”
3) You don’t need anyone fucking with your chi, your life force, and to have someone in “your space”, constantly, is enough to drive a person bonkers, let alone someone who already has a closet full of anxiety and all the other bipolar bag of shitty states of mind/emotions.
My idea is segregation, which in my mind means that everyone has a space for him/herself to vegetate. If he wants to vegetate, maybe in a common area is not the best setup. If he has a room, maybe put a small couch and TV in that room so he can vegetate there. OR, if he doesn’t have a room of his own, maybe get him to build a room of his own. Like, a shed outside with a couch and a TV.
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It must be so, so incredibly hard to manage. I would be a mess. I think in times like these, self-care is paramount. So I’m not telling you what to do, but just slapping on a gentle reminder here that instead of waiting for hubby or J to make changes that make your life easier, You make your life easier by upping your self-care a zillion times.
Heck, maybe you let J stay on the couch inside the house and you build a shed outside that can be your safe haven.
I hope you forgive me for my long ass comment and in no way interpret it as telling you what to do. My analytical brain just HAD to have its 5 minutes of fame.
Much, much love to you Leslie xx
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Jill, I just love you.
1 – Hubby is incredibly fraught with guilt. J has lived with the mother until he moved here. He has no skills relating to actually being useful.
2 – Desperation – You nailed it again. He literally can’t make up his mind because he’s not sure what the “right” thing to do is.
3 – As far as segregation is concerned…it’s not an option. We have a small two bedroom ranch, so he has to sleep on the couch. Now, once my accident lawsuit settles, hubby and I are going to build another bedroom and J will be helping. Free labor baby!!! Until then, I’m pretty much stuck in my room or outside.
I’ve already told my husband and my therapist that I’m gonna end up in the hospital over this. Seems like the more lithium pdoc puts me on, the less I’m able to cope and I’m all weird and lethargic.
Thank you for taking the time to write such a helpful comment. I really appreciate it!
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I’m super glad you see it as a helpful comment. I’m thinking that a short inpatient stay could be seen as a bit of a vacation instead of something to dread.
I’ve had short stays in hospital but not in the psych ward. Is it possible to welcome the psych ward? I dunno.
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I’m starting to look into places tonight. Very horrible stressful day
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Oh Leslie I am sad to hear your day was horrible. I hope you can find a place and get away from all your stress soon. I am so sorry you are having all this to deal with. I care about you and will pray for you. I wish there was more I could do to help you.
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That’s all wonderful Ava. Thank you
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Sending you love!!
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