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I think I’m on my way down a really sketchy emotional path.  I seriously believe that I am on my way to a breakdown.  I think my therapist thinks so, too, which is why she put in an extra session this week.

I can’t deal.  Hubby and I are at each other’s throats over J and he’ll still be fucking living here tomorrow!

However, tomorrow, I am not allowed to say anything about J.   That’s what hubby wants.

However, I am a fixer.  I see a wounded human and I want to fix them.  This is not a particularly healthy response because it at the exclusion of everything else.  But, my life has always been about how to make other people happy.  That’s how you get Mommy and Daddy to stop screaming at each other and everyone else.  You find ways to make them happy.  You become severely codependent.  And until some therapist somewhere can help you work that out (and we are working on it but 40 years of habit is a bitch to undo) you just keep doing it.  I look at that kid and want to fix him up.  Hubby wants a slower approach.  Which could be good….what the fuck do I know?

I’ve been in tears so many times today I quit counting.  I screamed (like crazy person screaming) at my MIL. I have since apologized because she didn’t deserve it, but I still feel right on the precipice of a cliff emotionally.  And I don’t know what to do about it.

Tomorrow is going to be an interesting day.  I don’t know if I can pull this off or not.  I have therapy at 10:00 so that gives me a break, but Karen’s gonna want to know about all this, and I don’t know if I can tell it calmly.

I don’t know how to stop the breakdown that I seem to be hurtling towards.

 

 

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