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I’m already ready for a new ride, but the carnival man won’t let me off the scrambler so I can take a nice lazy turn on the carousel.
So, scrambler brain it is.
I’ve been writing less frequently recently and I don’t know why. I’m having a hard time sitting down and organizing my thoughts, but I’m not sure why that is. Is it because the events going on in our house right now are so charged? Is the stupid Lithium making my brain dumb? (It’s making me clumsy and it’s making me forget even worse than the Tegretol).
I saw Karen yesterday for therapy and afterwards she found me a third appointment for this week. So, I certainly can’t say I’m getting better if the therapist wants to see me three times a week. But, I’m very grateful that she has made time in her schedule to see me more often.
Everything here is as it was. Although more information has come to light…J did heroin the week before we went for family vacation. He bought Suboxone on the street to hide the withdrawal some while we were away. And come to think of it, he drank a LOT on that trip.
Hubby is an ostrich. If he doesn’t yank his head out of the sand soon, he’s gonna suffocate. He doesn’t want to make any decisions until the kid starts working, which is dependent on construction, but should be any day now. I want him to get help BEFORE he has money in his pocket.
We are butting heads so much that several nights have turned into him not speaking to me. Which is crazy, because we are always so on point with one another. Yes, he gets frustrated with my bipolar brain sometimes…but we rarely fight. Until J moved in. I told him this morning that I’m not willing to sacrifice my marriage for a drug addict. I told him what I thought we should do. Now I’m leaving him alone with his thoughts for awhile.
I’ve had a few nice conversations with The Mother, which is weird but I’m grateful I didn’t have to endure yelling on multiple fronts.
Today I see pdoc. My clumsiness has been increased, my empty memory banks have worsened, and I feel just blah. I’d rather take a step back on the Lithium and add in one additional Klonopin.
Actually I’d rather that they make pot legal, but that’s another post.
Normal is out there 
if they made pot legal, from how I understand it, a lot of people would be able to come off a lot of their medications. So it’s not legal so the drug companies can keep making whores out of the various medical professionals which increases their precious profit margins. The drug companies purchase the politicians who allow themselves to be bought so they pass laws which will make the political money flow in their direction. Should I write for the x-files or am I just a crazy fucker? lol.
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No you’re pretty much spot on. The only thing is that the Fed is starting to realize how much tax revenue is being brought in by the states who have legalized, either just for medical or all the way. The tipping point is coming.
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At least it sounds like you’re on the path to a better place, with your multi-appointment process. I know I say this just about every post, but I hope your week is simple, is painless and that something works out.
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Thanks Michelle…I appreciate the good will!
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I’ve asked my pdoc a couple of times for a prescription for marijuana to help with my anxiety. Both times he told me it wasn’t a stupid request at all, but no. Legalizing it would make my life much easier.
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I hear that! Are you in a medical marijuana state? Some docs still won’t write scripts even in medical states. And if you are on disability you should probably wait till it’s legalized Federally or you could end up with problems.
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I’m in California which is a medical marijuana state, but it’s not very well regulated. Many locations are shoddy buildings with a doctor in an office who will give you a prescription for just about anything. Then you go to the office next door to purchase the stuff. What a coincidence that they’re right next door to each other. 😛
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wow…that’s really professional!
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Hoping all works out for you. Speaking as a husband whose wife is bipolar, biggest thing for me is communication – so keep that up and both of you can work through it together.
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We’re having an extremely difficult time communicating right now, but we’ll see what tomorrow brings.
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Tomorrow is always a new day with new opportunities.
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Indeed..and I have all afternoon today to prepare.
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I say legalize pot and tax the hell out it like they do cigarettes. Except in situations where it is legitimately medicinal. Frankly, all it ever did for me was make me dumb and sleepy.
Thanks to my legal meds, I’ve got dumb and sleepy covered 😉
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Yes…but if you could take a toke and get dumb and sleepy at night with no medicinal help or side effects…….?
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Think I will just stick to melatonin and mangoritas. Pot’s expensive!
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That is true!
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I am glad you can see your therapist 3 times this week. Hope your husband takes to heart what you said and thinks about you both in this process. Wishing you well and some peace.
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Thank you Ava…you are always so nice!
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I can’t stop the ride, but i can be an online friend to help you with it!
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Thank you!!! I’m gonna need a LOT of help! lol
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The system we use with the other online friends is: if you have a problem hijack one of my posts and start talking about what is your problem. Works well, so join us anytime!
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Thanks!
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I take lithium and it definitely makes me clumsy and off balance, with my memory a disaster all of its own. This advice comes with love and personal experience…. you are spot on about your marriage – not wanting to lose it because of an addict. In order to do that, you need to let go, to detach from the addict. Easier said than done, I know. You know what I’ve been through and know how I battled to do that.
But I managed to do it and so can you. Step back and let him ruin is own life, that might just be what he needs. There is no rescuing them or predetermining their behaviour.
They are all unpredictable chaos, and as a bipolar who needs ROUTINE, you need to ‘check out’ of the chaos (my money’s on that’s the cause of your writing problem – he’s disrupted your routine). I can only imagine how disruptive his presence has been – physically and emotionally, with you all living under the same roof, you having no choice but to hide out in your bedroom, so distressed you cry. My heart breaks for you.
He’s not your responsibility, he is his OWN responsibility, and stepping aside will teach him that…. eventually. Protect yourself, and protect your marriage. I’ll say this again, you cannot fix him, you cannot rescue him, you cannot pre-empt any of his behaviour.
You actually cannot have any expectation of him at all. It seems to me he is no longer in recovery and this is even more reason for you to detach yourself. It really is a matter of survival for you. And remember your worth… you are your first priority. As an active addict, he will take until there is no longer anything left for anyone to give. Please protect yourself my friend xxx
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Pieces you are so great! Thank you so much. My position is that I want to get him into a recovery program and in to see a therapist. I want to at least give him the tools that he needs. If he chooses to not use those tools, then there is nothing I can do about that. But, hubby won’t let me yet. He’s waiting for something, but I don’t know what it is.
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I was so worried my comment would upset you. I’m relieved it didn’t 🙂 I’m actually going to agree with hubby. Leave J be. Putting him into a program will never work unless he chooses to go. The choice has to come from him – Dad, I’ve fucked up my life, I need help. Only then can a program work for him. He’s not ready to learn right now if he’s still using.
If you put him into a program now – however logical that might seem to you and me – he will fail because he’s not ready.
I understand you are trying to protect him from himself. But this is the path HE has chosen and will continue to choose despite your best efforts to rescue him, until such time as he realises he needs help.
It’s extremely hard to let go and just let his path unravel. But these are his choices and he has to deal with the consequences. The longer you protect him, the larger the message is that he’ll be bailed out, rescued.
Let go. Detach. Its one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to encounter. But he needs to make his irresponsible, destructive choices and be held accountable for his behaviour. And you, with bipolar and your own set of medical needs, need to distance yourself from him emotionally as much as possible. You cannot control this. Let go my friend, and save yourself and your marriage. Hand responsibility over to hubby – let him carry the burden of decision making and you concentrate on yourself.
I know how hard it is to do. And I’m here for you ❤
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And pdoc changed my lithium from extended-release to regular hoping that would help my issues, so, fingers crossed!
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