After I wrote my last piece, The Hospital, I received the following comment
I recently wrote in a blog that everyone says it’s selfish to take your life, but isn’t it selfish of others to expect you to live in pain all the time fighting the darkness constantly so that they can be okay?
In my opinion, the answer to this is yes.
But, there is more to it.
I have found that in the depths of despair that accompany my suicidal ideation, my husband tends to appear furious. I’ve been hospitalized 3 times because of suicidal ideation in the last 6 years, and each time, my husband has appeared furious to me. And he left me at home and went to work. This last time, I also dealt with anger from my MIL.
The end result, was that I called a cab to take me to the hospital. And, I was devastated.
I knew I was doing the right thing and I couldn’t understand why my family wasn’t on board.
My husband, to my surprise, showed up at visiting hours the third day I was there. And he was calm. He was happy to see me. He hugged me.
So we talked about that fury he had shown. Why did he leave for work and leave me in such a dangerous mood?
The answer was a combination of things. First, there was disbelief. Disbelief that it was happening again. Disbelief that the meds were failing me again. And disbelief that I would take my own life while only his mother was there to watch me.
Second was worry. What I was going through had pushed him past a point of worry that he hadn’t really known before. Every time it happens, he reaches a new place of worry. And that worry presents as frustration.
Third is terror. Terror that he will lose me. Terror that this time is the final time. Terror that this time they will lock me up and throw away the key.
For him, disbelief combined with worry combined with terror, presents as anger. He’s not really angry, but not even he knows that.
And this is another reason why I really want to start exploring the subject of suicide and suicidal ideation. Our loved ones need education as much as we do. They need to know to take us seriously and get us help.
But, we also need to know what their reactions might mean.