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After I wrote my last piece, The Hospital, I received the following comment
I recently wrote in a blog that everyone says it’s selfish to take your life, but isn’t it selfish of others to expect you to live in pain all the time fighting the darkness constantly so that they can be okay?
In my opinion, the answer to this is yes.
But, there is more to it.
I have found that in the depths of despair that accompany my suicidal ideation, my husband tends to appear furious. I’ve been hospitalized 3 times because of suicidal ideation in the last 6 years, and each time, my husband has appeared furious to me. And he left me at home and went to work. This last time, I also dealt with anger from my MIL.
The end result, was that I called a cab to take me to the hospital. And, I was devastated.
I knew I was doing the right thing and I couldn’t understand why my family wasn’t on board.
My husband, to my surprise, showed up at visiting hours the third day I was there. And he was calm. He was happy to see me. He hugged me.
So we talked about that fury he had shown. Why did he leave for work and leave me in such a dangerous mood?
The answer was a combination of things. First, there was disbelief. Disbelief that it was happening again. Disbelief that the meds were failing me again. And disbelief that I would take my own life while only his mother was there to watch me.
Second was worry. What I was going through had pushed him past a point of worry that he hadn’t really known before. Every time it happens, he reaches a new place of worry. And that worry presents as frustration.
Third is terror. Terror that he will lose me. Terror that this time is the final time. Terror that this time they will lock me up and throw away the key.
For him, disbelief combined with worry combined with terror, presents as anger. He’s not really angry, but not even he knows that.
And this is another reason why I really want to start exploring the subject of suicide and suicidal ideation. Our loved ones need education as much as we do. They need to know to take us seriously and get us help.
But, we also need to know what their reactions might mean.
Normal is out there 
Bottom line- men are fixers. It must devastate their egos and inner wiring to know not even they can “fix” mental disorders. So it manifests as anger and frustration toward us.
Plus,some men are just dicks. My dad didn’t see my mom for a week after she signed herself into the hospital (I was 16, I drove her there, took a leave from my job to care for my sister and he just stayed on the road working.) He’s just a jerk.
Least your hubby is trying.
Must admit though, as much as I want to be empathetic and compassionate to the plight of those who must deal with us…It’s pretty exhausting to do so when you can barely keep your own head above water. Isn’t that when loved ones are supposed to take a hit and be there for you?
Or does that only apply to physical illness?
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Great point about the “fixer” located in a lot of men. That’s another of hubby’s issues!
There are just flat out people who will never be sympathetic to the plight of anyone else. And it’s sad because it does take a lot more of the brain power that we just don’t have, to deal with them. Hopefully, we can reach the ones who do care though.
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I have been the family that is there for a person who is suicidal and it a hard thing to handle. There is nothing to do for them and you suddenly feel yourself sliding down into the same despair. It is exhausting for us too. Many people trying to help those who are suicidal become so themselves. That is even more a risk if the person they love does commit suicide. When someone has a physical illness, there is something that we can do and in many ways that alone makes it easier to support someone. But do not assume that those with physical illness get more support then those with mental illness.I have been a nurse for 12 years and I have seen those who have no support for their physical illnesses. I have worked in psych and I will say that the ratio of patients with out support has been about the same. This is a complex and muddled issue. It hurts for all people involved. Depression and suicide don’t just effect the person who is suffering with this mental illness. But does that make it selfish to ask someone to stay alive? Yeah. And what’s wrong with be selfish about wanting to keep hold of a person you love?
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I know it’s exhausting for my husband. This is the third hospital stay, but the 5th bout of serious suicidal ideation in 6 years.
Great comment! Thanks!
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So I know I’ve said it before, but I’m glad you’re back. 🙂
Morgueticia got to my thoughts a little before I did! My husband, for the longest time, would become infuriated whenever I hit the bottoms of my depression stages. It always felt like he was blaming me for being that way. When I finally asked him about it, he said that he was mad that the only thing he could do to “help” me was sit there and listen to me cry. He couldn’t fix the way my brain worked and that bothered him.
To kind of piggyback on the second paragraph, I think that because of the stigmas associated with mental health, there’s still a difficult line when it comes to “taking hits”. I mean, with a physical illness, it’s very easy to know what to do to help: housework, administer medication, take care of the errands or kids, get supplies, etc. With mental illness, it’s all a lot more, well, mental: give compliments (even though they won’t be believed), give hugs, don’t touch them, know when the line between “I need help” and “I need hospital help” is crossed, etc. I’m not saying that s/o shouldn’t try, but I think it’s difficult for both those who help and those who need help to even define how it is that help could be given. JMO though.
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agreed Michelle! And that’s why I’m doing this. I figure if I reach one person, then that is one person who is helping, not hurting.
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Truth! I’m sure I don’t need to tell this to you, but it’s been the most eye opening thing-blogging about personal disasters. Because you just want someone to validate your experiences and suddenly you find other people are being validated too. Very epic stuff.
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It truly is.
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you are so on point with this post. I think people who condemn others who consider suicide as being selfish are the ones who won’t allow themselves to see the whole picture beyond what they perceive, selfishly, as just a loss to them, if that makes sense. It’s not just a loss to them or the family who may feel a sense of helplessness which often gets transmitted as something other than what it really is, but the most significant loss is the person having these thoughts in the first place, his or her very life.
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Thanks so much for the compliment. I really appreciate it. And you are spot on with what you said. We have to figure out ways to explain what is going on with us, that our “healthy” family can understand, even just a little.
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I agree with every comment. Florida TRIES to understand, but his youth gets in the way, and I don’t blame him for that. And he also feels like he can’t protect me when I’m in that dark of a place. So he has anger towards himself that he takes out on me, and I know it’s not really me he’s angry at, it’s the disorder and the thought distortion. The worst part is when I KNOW I’m going down that rabbit hole and I’m screaming for help I’m looked at at the girl who cries wolf because they just do not understand. And other makes me not want to ask for their help when I’m that bad. It’s a perpetual WE fight that no one really gets. We ask for help, we aren’t believed and are scoffed at that it’s not THAT bad. We go to the hospital, then we are asked why we didn’t ask for help.
I am glad you and hubby were able to talk about his fury and we able to dissect it in a healthy way. And glad you are doing better {Huggies}
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Please, never stop asking for help. I promise that there are those of use who believe and who want to help you. I became a psych nurse because there isn’t enough people to help all of us with mental illness and because I want to see people treated better when they ask for help. But if you stop asking for help, you risk loosing everything. Please, never stop asking for help!
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Don’t worry, I don’t stop asking, I’ve just learned to ask different people now =)
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Thanks Sass! It’s probably not just Florida’s youth that gets in the way. If he does not have one of these illnesses, then it’s very hard to explain. I can’t understand how my husband is able to let go of so much, and he is unable to understand why I can’t. You can never truly understand another’s brain.
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True, very very true. I don’t let go of stuff very easily either. It’s as if I CAN’T let go…
Florida I THINK has MDD…he very rarely is not unhappy, and it breaks my heart for him, and he takes so much personally. I do try to empathize with so many because of MY bipolar. And then I’m told I don’t REALLY know what it’s like… It seems like it’s damned if I do, damned if I don’t.
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Yeah I understand how that could be
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My response to the “suicide is selfish” comment:
https://justplainolvic.com/2015/04/29/suicide-a-mental-health-perspective-2/
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That’s a good one!
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Thank you!
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Sorry if this ends up being a double comment, but not too sure what happened to my original.
Here is my response to when someone says “suicide is selfish”
https://justplainolvic.com/2015/04/29/suicide-a-mental-health-perspective-2/
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Its a good subject to highlight in an open and honest way. For all of us I think.
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It’s got to get past us to our loved ones though or the stigma and shame will always exist.
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