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Trigger warning regarding suicide
Up and feeling good again this morning.  Once again, I have the house to myself.  So, I’ve been working on various projects.  One of those projects was to clean out my email.  I’ve barely looked at my primary email account since before the hospital, so there were about 1000 emails to go through and deal with.  Unsubscribing from things I no longer care about and deleting the old stuff.
I came across an email that I wrote to my mother after my brother stated he wanted to commit suicide and my father told him to go ahead and do it  I wanted to delete it, but I couldn’t.  With my newfound mission to spread awareness and get people to actually start to TALK about suicide, I couldn’t quite leave this hidden in the depths of my emails.
So, this is the email I sent.  Anger is present, absolutely.  But, I also wanted her to see that even though she finds suicidal ideation to be selfish, I have also been there.  More times than she knew.  I have changed names, but nothing else.
Often when someone is suicidal they need to be forced to get help.  They need an action plan.  And they need people around them who won’t think that they are twisted and evil.  A year and a half ago when I was hospitalized it was because I wanted to kill myself, because I felt that Hubby would be better off without the mentally ill wife.  I was planning on driving my car into a tree and try to make it look like an accident so he would get the large life insurance policy he has on me through his work.  This way he wouldn’t have to deal with the illness and would have the money to pay off the house and not worry about bills.  My therapist forced me to go to treatment. And when I was released Hubby wouldn’t let me drive myself anywhere for quite awhile.  
 
The time I was hospitalized before that I also wanted to kill myself.  I told T and she called Hubby and they took me to the hospital.  
 
When someone tells you they want to kill themselves and even have a plan you  DO NOT IGNORE IT and you absolutely DON’T TELL THEM TO GO AHEAD AND DO IT.  
Brother has brain damage and he absolutely suffers from depression and anxiety if not something more.  So if you can’t do better then tell him to go ahead and kill himself, then you should step out of his way.  Because it really doesn’t matter what you do for him, if you can’t help him WANT to live or at least get him to someone who can than you are NOT helping.
I know that there are more than one side to every story, but the part I’m worried about right now is the part where my brother wants to kill himself.  Because the story that you tell and the story that Brother tells are vastly different.  Vastly.  So I can’t concern myself with any part of the story except the part that I know is true, and the part, that quite frankly, makes me sick.  
This email was not received well.  The ones that came back to me were full of excuses as to why my parents didn’t help their son.  And no comment whatsoever about my personal experiences.
But, right now, I think that’s ok.  I opened a dialogue.  I easily told my mother about my most recent bout with severe suicidal ideation and the hospitalization that came from that.   But, I said it after I came home.  And I was very clear that I did not tell her I was in the hospital BECAUSE of what my father said to my brother.
Open a dialogue with someone in your life.  Start talking about symptoms.  Start talking about the truth of suicidal ideation.  It doesn’t matter if they don’t totally understand.  It only matters that they listen and understand what needs to happen if you start to have problems.
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