The thoughts are swirling around my mind so quickly, I can only glimpse each one for an instant before it’s gone.
Ulla’s passing from this world has awakened many thoughts and feelings within me.
But, the one that is becoming the loudest is anger.
How long must we continue to trudge along, with people dropping along the way, before someone, somewhere is willing to do something more then the shitty meds we have?
This country, The United States, has enough gigantic pharmaceutical companies and enough research hospitals that this shit should be figured out.
But, people continue to drop by the wayside.
It’s almost been me many many many times. I’ve attempted once and been saved by therapists or inpatient or outpatient hospitals at least 7 more times over the course of my life.
We go to our therapists. We take the medications that make us fat. Or the ones that make us clumsy. Or the ones that make us vomit. Or forgetful. Or give us tremors. Or, the biggest joke, make us worse. The antidepressants that make us manic. Or more depressed.
We share our deepest darkest fears with doctors and have them tell us that we are being dramatic.
I don’t know what to do with this anger. Thankfully, I do have a decent therapist and I see her tomorrow. I know she’ll help me work that out.
Also, I think I have a lot of research to do.