Tags
anger, bipolar, bipolar blog, depression, Mental Health, Mental Illness, suicide, therapist, therapy
I know that not everyone is a fan of talk therapy, but I love it. It gives me a place to go and yell and scream and cry and be silent, and not be judged.
I was looking more forward to therapy then usual today because of Ulla’s passing. Because nestled in among all that sadness was an anger that bordered on rage. And I had no idea what to do with it. Sitting home quietly with my thoughts was doing nothing to dissipate my anger. Neither was blogging.
I needed to talk it out.
My anger is with the system. With bad doctors, bad medications, bad disability processes, all I wanted to do was work on fixing it all, and all at the same time.
But, I can’t. For several reasons.
First, I can’t go public with my real name until disability makes their decision. And that could be months still. But, if they think “Well she can fight then she can work” I’m screwed. Because the reality of the situation is that I’ll only be able to devote a small amount of time per day fighting. I have to perverve my sanity, while I help others perserve theirs.
Second, and really most importantly, the problems are too big. And other people are already working on other parts of the problems. So, I have to find my place. I have to build a network. I have to have research in place. There are things I want to do, that are already being done. If I can’t improve it, then I should give that resource to people and move on to other problems.
So, my decision is this. Normal is out There will remain in place and be my blog as it always has been. This is my journal space. This is where I come to get help. The most intensely personal things will remain here. But, I will be starting another blog. I have not figured out a name yet (suggestions are welcome!). Some of what is posted here will also be posted there. But that blog will be research and ideas and resources. And, I’m sure, my unfiltered opinions of what I find. If I just slap my real name on this blog I will have to go back through every post and mark the ones that talk about anyone in my life as Private. And if I can’t talk about what’s going on in my life, then I may as well not blog at all.
The other benefit of my therapy session this morning was this. I want to remember the way I feel about Ulla’s passing. Because if I ever find myself in a suicidal spot again, I want to try to remember that I don’t feel better off that Ulla is gone. It always comes down to being too tired to go on and feeling that other people will be better off without me. And it’s a real thought. It’s twisted by Bipolar, but it’s real. If I can pull out my memory of not feeling better without Ulla, then maybe, just maybe, I can stop myself again.
Let’s hope that we can all stop ourselves the next time.
morgueticiaatoms said:
I’d go back to therapy in a heartbeat if R’s eldest didn’t work there as a psychologist. I’ve seen her attitudes toward clients and her inability to keep things private so…Nope. Not going back as long as she is there, my trust issues are bad enough as is.
Unfortunately, my insurance won’t pay for private therapy, only that center so…my blog is my therapist 😀
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Leslie said:
And right there is one of the things that gets under my skin. Your insurance won’t allow for a proper impartial therapist so you’re left the the shitstorm that what’s her name works for. It’s just bullshit.
I’m just glad that you’re here, ’cause a lot of times you’re my therapist too!
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iamthatpersonwhoalreadyknows said:
Works well for me.
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Madelyn Griffith-Haynie, MCC, SCAC said:
I applaud your desire to start a second blog for research and ideas and resources.
RE: ” Some of what is posted here will also be posted there.” Not a good idea, IMHO. Don’t make it easy for trolls to be able to search for duplicate content and “out” you simply because they can and they choose to be nasty. Not only will you have to rush to do the “marking private” thing you wish to avoid, their nastiness may also precipitate a slide into depression from which you will have to fight to recover.
If you wish to remain anonymous here as well as sharing your informational posts with the legitimate followers of this blog, LINK to Related Content on other, similar blogs, and include a link to your own info-posts among them once in a while, somewhere in the middle of the list. We’ll figure it out ‘ere long and begin to look for your ideas on both.
Just a thought. btw- I will be linking this article to my own Suicide Awareness post (watch for a ping on 9/11/16 – late)
xx,
mgh
(Madelyn Griffith-Haynie – ADDandSoMuchMore dot com)
– ADD Coach Training Field founder; ADD Coaching co-founder –
“It takes a village to educate a world!”
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Leslie said:
Thanks so much Madelyn for the advice. I really appreciate it and you’ve given me something valuable to think about. And I really appreciate the intent to link to me!
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Madelyn Griffith-Haynie, MCC, SCAC said:
You’re most welcome. What you decide is ALL your decision, goes without saying – I’d just hate myself if I had the thought, didn’t share it, & the trolls chased you away (happened to a friend’s YouTube channel).
My post is scheduled for ’til the night of 9/11.
xx,
mgh
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hazelhillboro said:
It’s almost like Ulla gave you one last gift, which was a reminder to help you keep fighting. She will be so missed. :-((((
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Leslie said:
She absolutely did give me that one last gift. She has also ignited that fire for research and fight. Thank you so much for commenting and following! I really appreciate it.
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Leslie said:
Thank you so much!
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powerofenduring said:
I love being able to just talk openly in my therapy sessions too. I have so much crap in my mind constantly that it is nice to have a chance to let it all out with no concerns about being judged or hurting anyone’s feelings. And I feel your pain with the system being messed up. I went through 3 doctors before I found one that actually deserved to be deemed a doctor. And of course, the good ones are never covered by your insurance. So now I find myself struggling to make ends meet just to pay for my treatment after being hospitalized 3 times. And they tell you that you shouldn’t seenyour mental illness as a burden but it’s hard not to when considering things like that.
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Leslie said:
I think that it’s great when celebrities come out and say they have bipolar disorder because it raises awareness. But, it’s also a problem, because for those of us in the depths (I will never be high-functioning) it raises stigma.
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The Here and Now Mill said:
Wow! Thank you for sharing such an honest post here. You sound like you are doing some great work with your therapist. I followed!
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Leslie said:
Thank you so much! I really appreciate the comment and the follow. I’m sorry it has taken me so long to write back. I’ve been taking a bit of a hiatus from the internet to preserve my sanity! lol
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